New Gadgets To Fiddle With

Today I downloaded the beta version of the new Windows Live Messenger (msn to those of the old school variety). Normally, this probably wouldn’t be anything to do with the writing community; however, the new features and some of the new side programs are quite helpful for a writer wanting to stay in touch online.
The new features include the ability to connect with your facebook page and your twitter page. It also allows you to add in blog feeds so that anybody you are connected with on msn (depending on your privacy settings) will be able to see updates on your blog, your twitter and your facebook page. You can also have it join in with your myspace.

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Waking Up Without You Is Like Drinking From An Empty Cup

Social media turns people into neurotic stalking messes – most especially if you’re in a relationship with someone or wanting to be with someone or just checking someone out that you met at some point in time. Everything connects to everything. Twitter, facebook, myspace, msn and bebo have all joined hands in a circle around you, whispering everything that everyone else is doing. Most of the time, you really couldn’t care but now and again you start sneaking glimpses of a particular person’s life because you’re interested in someone. Social media, in general, just makes you neurotic and paranoid. At this minute, I am, indeed, feeling neurotic and paranoid and am desperately trying not to be. The thing is that I can’t really tell anyone that I am this neurotic mess because they can’t do anything for me except pat me and tell me it’ll be fine or tell me I’m wasting my time. Tonight isn’t over yet, but I don’t think this guy is bothered at all about seeing me. He’s been on msn for ages, said nothing and disappeared. Admittedly, I didn’t open a conversation, but I knew he was there. Somewhere in my neurotic mind, a little voice piped up and said, “You don’t want to seem like you’re stalking him or trying to push him! Maybe he’s changed his mind!” This is probably likely judging by recent behaviour, but hey. I guess I’d rather know for certain than just keep these thoughts running around in my head.

So what if I didn’t want a date with him at first? He’s the first guy I’ve kissed since my ex. I think I was allowed to be a bit confused and muddled. Incidentally, I dreamt about the ex a couple of night’s ago. In the dream, I saw his dad go into The Buck (a pub in my town) and then he left to go down the street. So I followed him. I don’t even know why I was following him in the dream except that it felt as if I was supposed to be doing it and as if my ex knew I was there and was purposefully leading me somewhere. He took out his keys to open the door of this house and made a movement for me to follow, but I woke up. I don’t know what that has to do with anything that’s going on at the minute. Maybe it just means that I should stop thinking about him. It’s not as if I even stalk him or look him up on facebook or anything. I don’t. Sometimes I think about him, though. I can’t help it. I have a memory like a video recorder; everything is in perfect detail. I even know the smells, textures and tastes of things. And, trust me, good memory like that is an absolute curse some days. I mean, as much as I loved the look he gave me, I don’t want to remember it in perfect detail and I certainly don’t want to be reminded how much it made me hold my breath and wish that it could be forever.

I don’t even remember holding my breath.

But enough of that. We shan’t go back there.

Anyhow, I am indeed annoyed with this guy. I’d like to know what’s going on. That’s all. I think I deserve that much. Still, I’ll give him until the end of tomorrow (which is now today I suppose) to speak to me. Then we’ll see. I’ll try not to hold my breath and just hope that the impression I got was wrong.

(Lyrics in the title are from The Animal Were Gone by Damien Rice)

It’s Easier To Tease

I haven’t written in here for a few days. To be honest, that’s because nothing really exciting has happened to me. I had an interview for a job last Saturday, though. If I get the job then they’re calling me today. If not then I won’t get a call. I really hope I do. I’d quite like to learn how to make pastry – the job is at Woodhead’s which is a bakery and a café all in one. They want someone who can make pastry or is willing to learn. I’m definitely willing to learn. I think it would be quite nice to learn how to make pastry. Hopefully they’ll choose me, but if not I’ll just keep applying to places.

Other than that, I’ve pretty much been doing nothing. I keep meaning to write but I’ve really not been in the mood and when I’m not in the mood I find that I distract myself an awful lot. I’ve also been rather confused over this guy, as well. He came on msn and spoke to me to apologise for not going out… but it still says I’m not on his contact list, which is bizarre because I have to be or he can’t start a conversation with me. Right? Anyway, he text me at 4am yesterday when he was drunk, which partially gave me a heart attack because my new phone is so loud. We still haven’t set an actual time to meet up, so I’ll half retract the previous post about it.

Another thing that happened is that my eldest brother made a post on one of my facebook statuses. This doesn’t initially sound like anything out of the ordinary, but, if I’m perfectly honest, I think he was high or on drugs when he posted it. There’s nothing I can do about this. He’s in his thirties and he lives with his girlfriend in a city a bit further away. He blames everything in his life on our mum. If it really was her fault then how is it that my other two brothers and I are perfectly fine? He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own mistakes. He may be my brother but I’m not listening to him any more. The amount of crap he gives me and puts on me by telling me stuff is too much pressure that I don’t need. All he does is cause stress. Sometimes, it really upsets me that I used to look up to him most out of all of my brothers and yet he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He and my younger brother are two of the most selfish people I have met in my whole life. And whenever something goes wrong, it’s never their fault. It’s always somebody else that gets blamed.

I’m going to try and do some writing and whatnot now and ignore the fact that the snooker is playing on the television.

(Lyrics in the title are from Elephant by Damien Rice)

Hide & Seek, Trains & Sewing Machines

So, I’m kind of annoyed right now. I may have this all wrong and write something retracting it later, but I need to get it out before it ends up turning into an angry cyclone in my head. The reason I am annoyed is the guy who I kissed on Saturday. That, by the way, is not his crime. He texted me asking to go out as I may have explained in a previous post. I was kind of reluctant at first and completely confused. Over the course of the week, I’ve kind of started looking forward to it. And there was a cinema trip arranged between us for tomorrow. I spoke to him on msn on Tuesday night until late. Yesterday I sent him a text wishing him well with a game of rugby and didn’t get anything back so I assumed he was busy. He seems to be a busy guy.

Anyway, point is, I said hello to him on msn tonight. He answered. We did the usual how are you routine, then I asked if he still wanted to meet tomorrow or not. I got no reply for about half an hour and then he disappeared offline. Now this is fine. It could have been something wrong with his internet or, you know, whatever. If it was his internet, I would have thought to get a text, but no… So it could have been something else, which is still fine. And then I had a thought. To be honest, I’d been getting a bad feeling since before he went offline. So I checked in my security settings where you can see who has you added to their contact list. Suffice to say, he no longer has me added.

Now, this could be a mistake. I might just have missed his email address on the list who have me added… though I did check it twice in case.

So, yes. I am kind of annoyed. I wouldn’t have minded him saying no and giving me a reason. Seriously, that would have been fine. At least I would have known. But this? I don’t think this is fair. I don’t think this is fair at all. I mean fine, delete me, do whatever the hell you like – but I’d like a reason. Don’t ask me out and be persistent about it if you don’t actually want to see me. It’s a really jerky thing to do, even for a guy. It’s not fair.

I’m not a toy and I certainly do not appreciate being played with.

(Lyrics in the title are from Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap & Frou Frou)