Late Night & Waking

I hate waking after a night out. The light hitting my eyes is filled with self-loathing and defeat, a thousand pains and what-ifs and whys. I hate waking to find my bed empty because you’re not there after dreams where we’re talking. We reminisce.

I hate waking with the wish that I hadn’t left the house, ruined myself with alcohol and guilt. But why do I feel guilty when you’re the one who did it? This guilt that I feel when every guy hits on me or people try to get me to let some nice fella buy me a drink or take me home. This horrible, revolting guilt… like I’m being unfaithful to you. And I never was.

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The Theorist Deviation

My baby died the other day. And by baby I mean my car (before anyone panics). Her name is Pandorica and her battery died. So joy of joys, I’ve had some more financial stress buying her a battery.

Luckily this happened close to pay day and I have some great car engine savvy neighbours, one of whom fitted the new battery for me. So Pandorica has been resurrected. Huzzah!

However, this still means dire finances yet again this month. I’d like to know when that is going to end. Where are the leprechauns with my pot of gold?
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“…Each Wish Resign’d…”

I don’t know quite what this is or what you will think of it when you read it.

As you know, I’ve been trying to write poetry to get things out but nothing has manifested itself. My writing is just dying in my hands and I’m not sure what to do with it. There’s probably nothing I can do except to wait it out a bit.

However, I have attempted this in some vague hope that it will pull something through that is more than nothingness.

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A Deafening Quiet

It’s nearly Christmas and I don’t feel Christmassy at all. Maybe that’s partly the bleak outlook everyone has right now or maybe it’s the fact that I still can’t have a night out that doesn’t involve breaking down and crying on somebody at some point.

There’s also the other thing that I’m getting quite sick of. Maybe most girls would enjoy it, but I don’t. I never have and round about now it’s just making the things going around my head worse.

Maybe you even already guessed that with my lack of being able to deal with something as innocent as a kiss. I don’t know.

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