I write poetry when I don’t know what else to turn my thoughts into. It comes out as something beautiful and fair less tainted than me.
But I haven’t been able to write any…
You may have noticed that poetry has been an after effect of all other break ups and bouts of depression. Now there is none. Now I can’t even do that.
I’ve tried. Oh hell, I’ve tried… but it turns to less than dust.
I can’t… express myself.
Feeling tired and distant today. I’m having trouble getting to sleep properly on a night leaving me maybe three hours sleep a night, which certainly isn’t ideal. My second eldest brother and his wife came over for the last time yesterday.
They’re emigrating to New Zealand to start a new life together there. They spent the day here and then we drove them to where they’re staying later on. For a change, there were no arguments and my brother didn’t make as many digs as usual.
As I’ve said, I feel distant and distracted today so this post may not be entirely all there.
There are more letters cluttering my floor. It’s better to get things out even if you can’t get any answers. It’s not fair to have things unexplained and left with questions, but if you can’t have the conversation to put your mind at ease and help you to move on, the only thing you can do is get it out.
I’m getting it all out as much as I can, but there seems to be far more than I would ever have thought possible. My days have become sort of vague. Everything is monotonous and the same.
There’s also this terrible vacant, distant thing going on with my head. I don’t feel as if I’m all here most of the time. Days are simply a living distraction where I forget what I’m doing or I do things without any reason. It’s awful. It’s like dissolving.
And I don’t like it one bit.
I put my heart in a letter the other night. This letter will probably never see its recipient. It was never meant to be posted anyway – it was just a way to help me get to sleep and stop thinking things out.
A very good friend of mine, one of the best, once told me about how writing letters to people (even if you don’t send them) can help you to deal with things. Maybe it’s because you get out the things you want to say but can’t since you don’t have to worry about what the other person will think and how they’ll react.
Some of us are trapped by thoughts of others (hence my Rabbit Hearted Girl post).
