Late Night & Waking

I hate waking after a night out. The light hitting my eyes is filled with self-loathing and defeat, a thousand pains and what-ifs and whys. I hate waking to find my bed empty because you’re not there after dreams where we’re talking. We reminisce.

I hate waking with the wish that I hadn’t left the house, ruined myself with alcohol and guilt. But why do I feel guilty when you’re the one who did it? This guilt that I feel when every guy hits on me or people try to get me to let some nice fella buy me a drink or take me home. This horrible, revolting guilt… like I’m being unfaithful to you. And I never was.

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A Deafening Quiet

It’s nearly Christmas and I don’t feel Christmassy at all. Maybe that’s partly the bleak outlook everyone has right now or maybe it’s the fact that I still can’t have a night out that doesn’t involve breaking down and crying on somebody at some point.

There’s also the other thing that I’m getting quite sick of. Maybe most girls would enjoy it, but I don’t. I never have and round about now it’s just making the things going around my head worse.

Maybe you even already guessed that with my lack of being able to deal with something as innocent as a kiss. I don’t know.

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When the chips are down, what do you do?

You play FreeCell until all the thoughts go away and you’re left with an empty mess. I keep emptying everything out of my head until I feel distant and hollow.

Sometimes, not knowing exactly who reads this is a burden. I can’t sugar coat or anything… not that I want to sugar coat. I just want to be prepared, I guess, for whatever might be slung at me for an interpretation of my thoughts.

I kissed somebody I shouldn’t have kissed the other night…

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Shoes Of Self-Discovery

As interestingly as always, I was sitting musing on some of my past actions last night and, being a bit of a Harry Potter geek, I came to a conclusion. Many of you (or at least those of you who are also openly geeky) will have done those silly quizzes that you get on certain sites to determine which Hogwarts house you would be put into if you were a witch or wizard in JK Rowling’s world. This may or may not come as a surprise, but I always get Gryffindor. I know that these quizzes are not totally accurate or even created by JK (if by some miracle you are reading this, Mrs Rowling, you should put one on your site) so I understand if you think I am just waffling again.

Sometimes I wondered if I should have been stashed in Hufflepuff instead because I am not always especially brave, which brings us to what I was pondering last night.

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