“I Love You… Most Ardently…” – Mr Darcy

I confess that the line in the title is, indeed, from the film version of Pride and Prejudice with the lovely Matthew MacFadyen and Kiera Knightley. I also confess that it is a slight precursor to some of the contents of this journal entry.

I had an eventful day. I went to Beverley with my friend so that she could get her braces taken off. We wandered around town for a while and I had a look for the book that I really wanted… which was unfortunately not there. We sat and chatted for a while, which is nice, because we haven’t in quite a long time. We seem to have made up properly now. So that was really nice to do. At the same time, I was job hunting so I have two application forms to fill out. A pub has my number in case they have any future vacancies and a chip shop has my number too. Hopefully someone will call back and give me a job. I’m also going to start selling some of my mother’s pieces of jewellery on a little online site. The jewellery is hand made and real silver, so when the site is sorted out, it will be available to buy in the UK.

Then I got a call from friends, too, who wanted to go for a drive. That meant that three of us went for a drive and chatted for a long time whilst we walked along Bridlington Promenade, which, as usual, was absolutely freezing cold, dark and empty. On our way back, we accidentally made a wrong turn and came to a dead end where my friend had to do a turn in the road (three point turn). When we were looking out of the back window we noticed a sign painted in red that said, “DO NOT ENTER! WARNING!’ This scared one of our friends slightly and we got out of there pretty fast. It was dark and we suddenly realised everything might turn into a weird teen horror movie (though I’m sure they usually have more than one guy involved in those movies – in our case it was three girls and a guy). All of the way home, however, one of our friends was scaring herself by thinking of murderers and things because of the sign whilst my other two comrades started talking about ghost stories. Suffice to say, none of us has died yet but we may all suffer nightmares.

So, to go back to seeing my first friend of the day… I’m wishing she hadn’t told me who she’d stalked on facebook the other night. I was pretending one of the people she stalked was far away and that there was no possible notion of me seeing them so I didn’t even need to think about it… And of course this started me thinking about it, which is really pathetic and wounds my pride terribly. Sadly, I am quite a proud person, but not noticeably so… At least, I don’t think so. Anyway, I just wish she hadn’t made it so real that this particular individual was about when I was doing my best to pretend he wasn’t. It’s been working out better for me to pretend I don’t care any more, because, for a few sad seconds, I can convince myself that I really don’t.

It has just dampened my mood, though. I’ll probably pick up again when I wake up. Or if I eat. I’d like to eat right now. Chocolate or something… which is bad because I promised myself I’d try to get my stomach muscles a bit tamer. Oh well… I can do that after I eat, right?

Mr Ben & Mr Jerry – My Best Chocolate Friends

LotR version of Milkshake and some of my random rambling for you today. The journal entry title is, of course, in reference to ice cream and one of my favourite lines from Bridget Jone’s: The Edge of Reason:

I am enjoying a relationship with two men simultaneously. The first called Ben – the other Jerry. Number of current boyfriends… zero.

I’m doing the same thing at the minute. The zero boyfriends thing also applies, but who cares. If I ended up with Daniel Cleaver (again) I might cry. I’ve had one of those guys before. In fact, he used a similar name to Daniel Cleaver as his log-in on a site. I won’t mention who he was. I personally don’t want him popping up on here and giving me grief… or even being nice. That would be… odd, to say the least, and as that part of my life is now over, I see no real reason to dwell on it. I’ve made a post about it that will feature on Leslee Horner’s blog about moments that make you click. So if you want to read it, then I’ll leave a link once it’s been posted. Another Bridget quote (the book is by Helen Fielding and I assure you that it’s a very good read… though I did personally love her Olivia Joulles and the Overactive Imagination – it started out as something I wouldn’t normally pick up and ended in a way that made me feel I was normal because my imaginative paranoia could really come true!) that I rather love, comes at the end of the first film and is this:

Bridget: Wait a minute… nice boys don’t kiss like that. 

Mark Darcy: Oh, yes, they fucking do.

I’d like to say they do… but I’ve never kissed a truly nice boy. In fact, I could only really describe my last ex as being in the same vein as Mr Darcy because… well, he was an arrogant arse sometimes, too, and quite a lot of people thought that of him. Why am I continuing with this verbal diarrhoea when I could be winning a game of dingbats? I have no idea either. I shouldn’t really talk about him. I get the feeling he could discover this and make snarky comments about what are essentially my thoughts. And if he was a ‘nice boy’ then I suppose my previous statement is null and void, because I’ll begrudgingly admit he wasn’t bad and move decidedly onto a new subject. 
Somebody started a facebook page with the title ‘Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard, And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”‘ Of course, this prompted me to continue the song in my head. The original lyrics are Milkshake by Kelis but this is the Lord of the Rings version. I hope it makes you smile:
Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

You know you want it
The ring that makes you hoard it
What Boromir goes crazy for…
He lost his mind,
Fell and died
I think I sighed

la la-la la la,
Hands on swords now
la la-la la la,
The orcs are coming

la la-la la la,
Hands on swords now
la la-la la la,
The orcs are coming

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

You know you want it
Steal it from that hobbit
He’s already mad
Changed inside
Lost his mind
Yes, Sam cried

la la-la la la,
Frodo’s crazy
la la-la la la,
Fellowship’s breaking

la la-la la la,
Frodo’s crazy
la la-la la la,
Fellowship’s breaking

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

Soon you’re separated,
Saruman will fell the trees-and,
They will come and take him down.
Bring on the little hobbits
And their two tiny swords.
Then Gollum steals the ring,
Takes Frodo’s finger too,
Down into the fire mountain,

la la-la la la,
Lost it now,
la la-la la la,
Sauron is crying,

la la-la la la,
Took him down,
la la-la la la,
Hobbits are winning

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

Gandalf brings all the orcs to the yard,
And he’s like, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
And I’m like, “Where’s Legolas?”
He could hit you, but he’s not hard.

A Spider’s Web Is Tangled Up With Me

I need a job. That’s the basics of my life at the moment. 
I need to get a job so I can afford my own car and the doubtless high insurance that will come with it. And then, when I get a job, I can see about sending my manuscript off to an agent. It costs so much to send and I’m so broke that I can’t afford it. Not to mention that my family are broke at the moment too, not that my brother cares nor helps. I seem to be the only one who has all the family problems reported to her and reports none of her own because she doesn’t want to stress anybody else out.
And I’m sick of having to listen to my brother playing his crap music so loudly that even with his door closed and my door closed, plus with the television on in here, I can still hear it… and my room is on the opposite side of the house to his. I’m sick of the way he talks to me and everyone else in this house like we’re something he wiped off the soul of his shoe. I’m sick of the way he stresses everybody out in our family. He gets tonnes of stuff and in return all he gives is grief without even a thank you. 
Sadly, I’m in one of those moods where the only thing that will do is screaming or crying and I can’t do either right now. I wish he would turn his music off, grow up and become somebody halfway decent. There’s no reason for the way he behaves except that he is spoilt and selfish. I want to get down on the floor and cry in a little heap. There are things going on in my head that I can’t discuss here for a change (you’re probably glad – I mean, one less depressing thing for me to whine about, right?) and they’re stressing me out too. I don’t know what I’m going to do about them, but I aim to sort them over this Easter holiday. I’ve done the whole teenage figuring out who I really am thing. I finally know who I am and what I want and what I’m willing to do to get there. I only wish that the people who are supposed to support me had supported me in working that out and hadn’t just hurried me along into decisions I wasn’t ready to make. Luck hasn’t been exactly kind lately, either. There just seems to be too much going on in my head. And there’s the fact that I still wake up thinking of my ex, which I should be over by now, surely.
I think I’m going to try using my melancholy mood to write the final scenes of Book Three, Secrets, of my JLM Series. It needs to be completed. And this kind of mood is the kind that will allow me to concentrate on a different world for hours on end and stay comfortably entrenched there. Who knows? It could even propel me to complete the twenty-third chapter and finish off the epilogue.
In other news, I’m going to put up a poll in regards to what you think of the flash fiction I’ve been writing on here. This is so that if you have an opinion on what I’ve been writing but you don’t necessarily want to leave a comment, then you will have a place to share your thoughts. I’d much prefer you left a comment (especially if you have a random sentence that you think could provoke some really good flash fiction), but I guess less is more. It’s nice to see some feedback on my flash fiction from new people, as well. 
I just want everyone to know that, whilst I may not reply to all comments, I do really appreciate them and thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve written as well as to leave a little something from yourself.
Also, if you want to ask me any questions please do refer to my formspring even though my friend Tim has been trying to make me guess who’s questioning me whilst he pretends he’s an anonymous person. It’s amusing to me, but I appreciate that you might not care to read our weird discussions on furbies, pokemon and other such geeky stuff.

(Lyrics in the title are from Trouble by Coldplay)

Procrastinators of the World Unite! …Maybe Tomorrow

The title really has nothing to do with what I’m writing today, but everything to do with a discussion that I’m having on my SD (Sinfully Delicious) chat room. If you’re really bored, then the link is here. The discussion was about how we waste time on the internet. If I’m honest, my amount of time wasting has gone down drastically ever since I got the twitter plug-in for chrome (the chromed bird one – it’s really rather good if you’re looking for a chrome plug-in). I used to spend ages with twitter and facebook open, checking to see if anybody wanted to talk to me, because, let’s face it, I like social media and I like talking to people about random things whilst still being able to shut myself off in my own little world. I think that’s possibly one of the best things about social media on the ‘net. I don’t actually have to interact half as much as I do in real life. I can withdraw and go into my own world whilst still being amazingly accessible to the people that I like. I’m naturally quite reclusive. Sometimes I just need to withdraw into my own little place. This usually means that I lock myself up in my room for hours on end either writing or hiding out on the ‘net where I’m there… but I’m not there at the same time. For example, I have an awful habit of signing in as offline on msn, despite the fact that the reason I used to appear as offline is now completely void (the reason was an ex that I may or may not explore later – probably not. I’ve been through my phase of griping about him. I moved onto someone else and now I’m working on getting over him too. Don’t you just love L.O.V.E?).

My point is, I’ve cut down a lot of things that meant I wasted more time than I spent doing productive things. The twitter plug-in has helped me to resist keeping the page open and the fact that I’ve started using twitter has reduced my usage of facebook. Of course, my tweets are imported to my ‘official myspace’ so I don’t even have to bother going on there except to approve new friends and check out any comments I have, which is limited to about twice a day as I no longer like the myspace framework. As for facebook, my formspring questions & answers are sent there & twitter automatically. The same goes for my journal entries. I have them imported by twitterfeed.com (which also tells me how many clicks I receive) to both my facebook pages and my twitter. It’s a really good set up and means less faffing about for me as well as a reduction in the amount of time I have to spend going backwards and forwards.
This time should be even less when my new site is completed. My friend tells me he’s going to ‘iframe’ things in. I’ve been informed reliably that this is where you embed another page into your site, which will be great because I can then have this blog and my formspring all integrated into my main site. I also plan to have my tweets incorporated into it.
It brings me to something else I was going to discuss (Ha ha! Yes. I actually wrote a list of things I wanted to talk about today – I got the idea from one of the writing blogs I follow which is full of helpful advice for writers trying to get a bigger web presence). I’ve been thinking that I might quote some of my formspring questions here and go into a little more depth about them as there seem to be some questions that I get asked where I could ramble on for hours with a lovely long answer. The problem is that formspring seems to have a pretty unreliable server. It’s always crashing or having technical difficulties, whereby you have to return hours later in order to ask your question or answer a question, again. It’s really quite irritating, but at the same I quite enjoy using formspring as you can ask questions anonymously of your friends or of people you don’t know but do admire. There’s the option of deleting questions and not answering them, as well, if you get any that are abusive or simply inappropriate. It wouldn’t surprise me if formspring got a lot more popular than it currently is. If it does, I’d like to reserve the right to say ‘I told you so’ in a couple of months time. This is a good example of a question a friend asked me where I’ve run off a bit with my answer, ‘What was the earliest story you can remember writing?‘ There are other examples of good questions on there that relate to the writing of my JLM Series (Jocasta Lizzbeth Moonshadow). These have mostly been asked by my friend Andrew (NALGames) – you can find his blog on the right under the list of blogs I follow. He’s currently charged with the unfortunate task of proof reading for me. He’s halfway through Shadows & Ghosts and seems to be enjoying it, which is always a good omen.
I seem to have gabbed enough, today, about my various thoughts. So please click in tomorrow to read some more. And feel free to comment – sometimes I wonder if Andrew is the only one who reads my rubbish!