Ethereal Entity #4

I’ve been crying a lot tonight. First off because I watched a really sad, art house type film called The Fountain. And secondly… moreso because I think I needed to cry. I’m not one of those people who can cry and feel at least fairly comfortable about it. I hate crying in front of people. My mum always tells me to stop being silly when I cry in front of her. Sadly, I don’t think she really understands me. There are things about us that are similar, but in essence we are entirely different people. I don’t cope as well as she does with situations and I don’t think she’s ever realised that. I let my emotions get the best of me and I’m not very verbal about them… even when I’m angry. I can get to the point where I’m so angry that I twitch, but still there’s a little voice inside my head stopping me from letting it all out… which, I think, is why I really started writing these journals. I can get it out on paper so much better and it doesn’t just bleed away.

I’m not sleeping too well, still. Past few nights my dreams have been pretty scary too.

I just want something to love. – that’s one of those things I don’t say.

And that’s not why I started going out with Stephen. I dunno why I’m writing this, but it’s late… and when it’s late is when I tend to let my thoughts come together more and since I’m not telling anyone in particular, I don’t have to worry about what might hurt them or how they’d react. And I can imagine that they would react in the way that I’d want. Anyway, back to the point. That’s not why I started with him. [And yes I keep banging on about this and I am going to do so until he’s cleared out of my system somehow. I don’t care what Nat says. Really I don’t. She can say I shouldn’t talk about him and that I should be over him but if so then she should stop talking about and to Giles… which she hasn’t and she spent most of Saturday night following him around and talking to him over the phone. To me, that is -not- over him.] I started with him because I’d liked him from the off. From the moment I registered him. I say that because he used to follow me around with Charlie et al yelling stuff at me about Tim because he supposedly fancied me. So I’d kept my head down and just walked away. I’d never registered their faces. The only one that stood out was Charlie because he was the ringleader.

That’s an odd thing that I miss. That he’s short but not too short and his shoulders are broad. They seem even moreso because he stands with them jarred a lot. And he seems shorter than he is because he hunches.

After the whole disaster with James, I didn’t think I’d even like Stephen so much. I thought that I’d probably have to end it because somehow he wouldn’t compare and I wouldn’t want to hurt him by being untrue to him.

And if I’m not true to myself then what’s the point in anything?

I didn’t love him from the start, but no matter what he said, there was a spark. I’ve been thinking a lot about that quote that I posted in the Favourite Quotes thread. Immature love is loving someone because you need them. And I think that’s why I loved James. I needed him even if he didn’t know it and never took the challenge. I needed him because I thought he could hold me together and that he would listen to me and because he was all mine. Nobody else I knew IRL knew him. And I guess that made him special in a way. He met every single thing on the list I’d made of what my perfect guy would be… but that’s not what it’s about, is it? I realised that, even if Stephen hasn’t – which he can’t have if the reason the relationship failed was my many faults [oh and the fact that there was no spark]. And for the record, I’m amazed how calm I’m being writing this.

Back to my point.

It turned out that James was never who I really wanted. And Stephen was. And I should maybe have told him. And he really does have an awful lot of faults. I just loved his faults, that was all. And that, in my opinion, is what love really is. I mean, I really really hate that sneering smile he does when he thinks he’s right. I always have hated it… but at the same time… I wouldn’t ever want him without it. Even his OCD.

What was the point I was trying to make?


Oh yeah. I didn’t love him from the start. It just crept on me. And as it crept on me, I questioned myself about it. I never wanted to say anything to him that was a lie. And I don’t think I ever did lie. There were just moments when I wanted to whisper to him that I loved him… but I didn’t when I first felt them because even though I thought he cared a lot, I didn’t think he loved me back and I didn’t want to pressure him into telling me a lie.

When he said it, he said it of his own accord.

So maybe that’s what gets me about him saying that he never loved me. Maybe it’s partly because he knew that James had said that too and that was one way he could crush me. Which is why I unthoughtfully made the comment about him being an asshole just like James. Sad thing is, he was doing the same thing James did as well. Cold wall of arrogance. And when I answered his ‘see you later’ with ‘no you won’t’… I never meant it… And I was shaking… And that fast walking with my head down… that was me running away because I didn’t know what else to do…

Anyway… bed time for me. I need to pry myself out of bed to go to my job centre appointment at 1.15. It’s in Driff but I’ll probably have to walk and since I keep sleeping in until three because I can’t physically get to sleep; it might be worth a shot to try. Just getting everything out on here somehow makes me feel more inner calm than anything.

The main thing I really wanted to say was about that quote thing. Because MATURE love is supposed to be where you need someone because you love them. And I need him but the only reason I have is that I love him. It’s not as if my self-esteem is in the gutter like it was after James so I don’t need him for that, which it might have seemed like I did because it picked up when things with Stephen started. It’s not. I just… I love him. And there’s nothing I can really add to that.

Ethereal Entity #3

This really isn’t fair. Really it’s not. Part of me wants to dream of him because for a few minutes in those dreams for some reason I feel really whole but another part of me REALLY DOESN’T. Subconscious, seriously, you have no idea how much it hurts to wake up and realise they’re not true. I honestly expected to find him lying there and to have that thing he gave me as well. Jeez. I mean, please give me a break. And the oracle cards? Ugh. First question I got ‘extasis’ as an answer which basically means a bunch of positive things and healing and stuff. Second answer I got a faery called Faff the Ffooter, which basically said to ground and centre myself. And I did a third card as just a general thing.. and it basically said to trust my gut because it was right. -.- My gut doesn’t seem to be right so far. I wish it was, but it doesn’t seem to be.

This stupid certainty ought to go away. Along with this horrendous back ache. Ew. I am so tired ;_; And I’m only like majorly tired because my brother has me playing a jenga-like game on the wii on co-operative and I need sleep..

Ethereal Entity #2

So I need to write this because it can’t be said to his face.

I don’t want to miss you. I don’t want to miss the fact that you wash your hands so many times that anyone would think you’d touched something radioactive. I don’t want to miss the fact that you brush your fringe out of your eyes using your little finger unlike everybody else who uses their fucking whole hand. I mean, what the hell is that?! Is that your posh way of doing it? I even miss the fact that for some ridiculous reason you think you’re working class. Okay so you might technically be but you actually have a fucking upper class attitude and you don’t seem to know it. You’re snobby and you don’t realise it. And so effen OCD. Everything has to be your way. Like what the hell was with telling Jonno what to do on the drive home from Brid and what the fuck was with ordering Sarah to get that particular table in McDonalds? And trying to make sure I cooked the pizza properly. I mean, come the hell on. Who the fuck can’t cook pizza properly? Well.. Gemma Ellis but that’s not the point.

I miss kissing you in the kitchen when Jonno and Nat are in the other room. I miss catching you looking at me in disbelief when I’ve said or done something insane. I miss the feel of your stupid arms on a night and the way you fit against me. I miss the fact that you’re quite broad shouldered. I even fucking miss that stupid curl of your lip. Why the hell do I miss that? What’s wrong with me? You’re an asshole. I mean, really, you are. You had no effen reason to break up with me. You’re just a scared fucking prick! You’re a coward. You’re a goddamn coward..

And I liked you from the start. Okay so I didn’t notice you until it was too late, but what did it matter? I would never have said anything to you even if my friend hadn’t liked you at the time. And then afterwards I was still never gonna say anything to you. And there was Charlie’s party and I hoped that that meant a little something to you, but at the same time I pretty much ruled it out as you being drunk. Turns out you actually liked me more then friends even though you were drunk. Shame you were such an asshole and avoided me that time. I mean, why cross the road? You think I wouldn’t notice? You know, I pretend that I’m ignorant or deaf most of the time but I’m fucking not. I saw you coming. Wondered what you might do so I put my head down and watched you from beneath my lashes. And you crossed the road and a little piece of me hurt and figured that you obviously thought that when you were drunk you’d made a huge mistake. ‘Cause I mean, who liked me anyway right?

And yeah, I know people like me. I know there are guys out there who find me attractive etc, but they’re never the ones I want. I’m never good enough for the guys I like. Never have been. And I’d gotten to the stage where I pretty much didn’t care any more until James and then you. I’d reached the stage where I didn’t care any more when New Years Eve happened.

And I really liked you and I really wanted something to happen.. and it did. And the only thing you can really say about our whole relationship is that it made you more confident sexually. Well, you know, that’s great. Makes me feel like I really fulfilled your needs. And I really couldn’t give a shit if this sounds bitter. You’ll never read it. I know you won’t. Yet again I managed to pick the same kind of asshole who hides himself in his own little pit. And that is exactly why I likened you to James in the park that day. And I know that got to you because as much as you had the same arrogant front up that he would put up, I heard the inflexion in your voice when you said thanks. And why on earth ignore Jonno? What the fuck did Jonno do that was so wrong? He’s your fucking friend. He deserves a little more than what you’ve done.

I hate this. I really hate this. I hate missing you and I hate accidentally thinking about you. I hate the way I’ll think of something I want to tell you then catch myself and tell myself I can’t because you’re a fucking ass.

You’ve contradicted yourself on everything you’ve ever said to me. And I still don’t believe that you could fake the look in your eyes that time. And I miss that. And I miss the way you’d watch me like you couldn’t get enough. I don’t think you even knew you were doing that. I miss the way that we’d spend most of the time texting. I miss the back massages as well. They were kinda nice. Heh.

Part of me wishes I hadn’t gone out that night. Part of me wishes I’d just stayed home, but then I’m glad I went out. It was kind of fun even though I spent most of it wishing you weren’t such a moody fucker and were out with us. It was you that I wanted to be dancing with. Not Sonny. Not anybody else. Why do you think I kept texting etc? I missed you. I wanted you there. With me.

I didn’t lie when I said I love you. We both know I’m pretty shit at lying. I didn’t lie. I don’t know how to fake something like that. And I fail to see how there was no spark when you considered moving in with me went so far as to say about a honeymoon in Hawaii. Somehow, I don’t think you’re that cruel to not mean something like that. I think you’re a fuck up, but you’re not cruel. And for some reason I’m still hoping you’ll turn up at my door even though I keep telling myself that you won’t. Because you wouldn’t go back on something like that, would you? Even if you wanted to? You’d keep with your stupid course.

And as for saying that I wasn’t excited about some things… why didn’t you just ask why I wasn’t? ‘Cause maybe I had reasons.