Ethereal Entity #8

I had a dream last night…

It started off as any normal dream would. I say normal, but what I mean is weird. My dreams are always weird. It was something about Johnny Depp, pirates, a leaky house and some kids and a bathroom…

Then all of a sudden I dreamt I had an email from a girl who was supposed to be my daughter. Apparently I’d given her away or something at the suggestion of her father. She’d somehow tracked me down and wanted to see me, but her father worked somewhere near her school, which was where I was supposed to meet her. For whatever reason, I’m afraid of her father and I feel timid when he’s around so I try to avoid seeing him, but it doesn’t work. He sees me and doesn’t appear to know who I am at first. So I go back home to find an email from this girl who is supposed to be my daughter (and for whatever reason she reminds me of the character I created called Jocasta). She says he’s worked out who I am and that she’s sorry. So I go to meet her again, but he’s there.

Weird thing is, it turns out he’s James.

And I’m terrified of him. He yells at me a bit and somehow backs me into this house that is half built but covered enough so that nobody will see us. He’s a builder or something for some reason and he’s constructing these houses on this estate. Anyway, he’s backed me into this house and I’m afraid because nobody can see us and he’s being quite vicious with his words. I feel like I did back last year. Like I’m battered and like he’s in control of everything and that I don’t want to upset him.

And he backs me against this wall and starts kissing me. And I kiss him back even though I’m not sure what I’m doing or that I even want to do this. Between breaths I’m pleading with him and muttering ‘no’ but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in to him and I can’t seem to stop myself reacting. At the same time I’m thinking that all I need is to be held and all I need is to feel a little, but there’s somebody else’s name frantically panning through my mind all the time that I’m letting this dream version of James touch me. He pulls me over to this chair with him and has me straddle him and I know I don’t want to but I do it anyway. I don’t even know why because I feel afraid and I feel like I’m betraying the person I’m thinking of and knowing that it’s him I want and not this… But I still feel trapped. And I’m fighting with myself as I’m kissing James and trying to tell him that it isn’t right, but at the same time he’s saying it’s what I want and what I like. He pushes his tongue in my mouth even though I don’t want him to and I can taste the flavour of the mint that he’s just swallowed on his tongue and breath. And I know that I’m ready to cry in this dream because I’m so confused and vulnerable and that if I don’t act fast I’m going to o something I regret. And the last thought in my dream before I wake is that I want this person instead of James.

Anyway, just wanted to share that and get it out of my system so that I stop thinking about it and do some work instead.

Ethereal Entity #7

I’m so tired. I’ve started university this week. It’s alright but at the same time I feel kind of alone. I mean, I know today was only my second day and I seem to be making a good enough impression on the people around me, but I still feel alone. I’m missing a lot of people, despite the fact that I haven’t left home. I’m also angry with a friend and I’ve finally given up on another. There’s no point in being friends with Jonno any more. I’m not impressed. You try to talk to him and he ignores you etc etc. I’m just giving up on him. He doesn’t care and quite frankly I cannot be bothered any more. Of course, it still bothers me that it’s come to this, but what’s the point? We made every attempt to keep him included but he backs out of everything and it honestly seems more like his girlfriend, Amy, is more bothered about him seeing his friends than he is. And that’s just not right.

So yeah…

And it would have been nice to talk to him about how I was finding Scarborough since he was there last year, but obviously I can’t. There have been loads of things I’ve wanted to talk to him about but he’s gone out of his way to avoid talking to me. And that really kind of hurts because his opinion meant something to me.

Then there’s Nat and the fact that she’s been shagging Giles before she left for uni. It kind of makes me angry that she’s said she wouldn’t go back there because he’s not good enough for her and yet she’s gone and done exactly that. The thing that probably makes me most angry is that she’s splashed it all over facebook and so has he. It probably makes me more angry since she’s made several points of telling me to stop talking about Stephen and just get over him. I would never have told her that. And, if I really have to justify myself, I need someone to talk to about it… and sometimes it just slips out without my meaning to say it. And after it slips out I realise what I’ve said and hurt inside because I’ve voiced something out aloud again.

I shouldn’t have to feel pain for saying something out aloud; that’s what got me in that mess before.

I’m saying nothing to her about it or I’ll explode. And I’m ready to explode anyway.

My shoulder is burning from where the strap of my bag lies. It’s really heavy and I think it’s straining my muscles. All my neck muscles are stiff and sore. Ugh. And I’ve done so much walking it’s not even funny. And driving too, but I prefer driving. I’ve been driving from Scarborough all the way home. It’s fun except that there are so many bloody roundabouts on the Brid road so I speed up and then slow down and then sped up and then slow down again. It’s so annoying. I’m so glad I can drive, though. Tbh, it seems to relax me more than anything else right now. I mean, I’m only getting to sleep because I’m so exhausted. I guess the sea air helps too.

I think if I found out he had a girlfriend I’d be sick.

I can’t write. I want to. I really want to. I need to get to Book 4 so I can get everything going in that. I know exactly what’s going to happen in that book and it’s so exciting. It’s just getting there. And I need to write the big scene in this book too because it’s gonna take some co-ordinating. Ugh. I dunno.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

*headdeskforsmilingatmemoriesthatdidn’tusedtohurtsomuch*

Ethereal Entity #6

Brand New – Jaws Theme Swimming

In a car outside,
We stalk the idle kind.
If you’re leaving,
Just let me know.
Tobacco and peppermint,
Dusting for fingerprints.
A film in her eyes from the glow.
Some rules are made
With all intentions to break and she
Defends it with a warped rationale.

And I’ve seen what happens to the
Wicked and
proud when they
Decide to try to take on
The throne for the crown.

And we learn as we age.
Wait for nothing
And
my body still aches.
And you take
‘Cause they give.
Though
I love you
And
my body it leaks like a sieve.

When it got old outside,
Smoke beneath the playground lights.
If you’re coming home,
Just let me know.
Sucking on your breath mint,
Dissected and stuck with pins.
A film in her eyes from the glow.

Concrete and water,
She’s looking for her daughter
At midnight in torrential downpour.
And everything I said about
How messed up your head is,
Were cut up and left in
Bits and pieces on the ground.

And we learn as we age.
Wait for nothing
And my body still
aches.
And you take
‘Cause they give.
Though I love you
And my body it
leaks like a sieve.

And we learn as we age.
Wait for nothing
And my body still aches.
And you take
‘Cause they give.
Though I love you
And my body it leaks like a sieve.

Take the picture from the wall
When you think that nothing matters.
Take the picture from the frame
And it’s a long ways to the floor.
Cut your finger on the edge
‘Cause it’s sharper than they told you.
Take a leap from out the window
‘Cause
it’s way too far to go through the door.

[instrumental]

And we learn as we age…
Wait for
nothing
And my body
still aches.
And
you take
‘Cause they
give.

Though
I love you
And my body it leaks like a sieve.