“& still you turn my world on its axis.”
Last night was a bad night. I am okay, though. It’s just stress and strain. I’m trying not to write an emo post. All I ever seem to do when I post in here is be emo and I don’t mean to be. I don’t mean to whine etc. I just use this place to collate my thoughts and yeah… I only go on about him because I do miss him. And yeah, he was right about the fact that we connected so easily – but that is fine. It will be fine. I’m probably just lonely. That’s what it is. Yeah. Except it’s ’cause I miss him.
And Jonno is avoiding me. He has his online status hidden to me on facebook and I’m pretty sure he thinks that means I won’t know that he’s online. I mean, really, come on… How thick does he think I am? With my slight paranoia and analytical skills, I can deduce whether he’s online or not, even if he does hide. I get sick of people avoiding me like that. I’m not a dufus. I’ve learnt the art of figuring out what people are doing online even if they think they’re being discrete. I guess I can understand why the little chicken shit is hiding, though. Blegh. I hate men so much… and yet, I know a lot more lads than lasses that I talk to. =/
Mafia game is ongoing again and I’m in charge this time. RedChu is already dead and NAL only just survived. I’m hoping they’re all enjoying having me in charge for a change and my little changeover stories.
I need some chocolate. =(
I can’t tell if I’m crying because my heart is broken or because I miss him…
Or a mixture of both.
Y’know, we didn’t do all that much talking. I know that there was a lot more sex than talking but I miss the talking and being with him more than anything else… I miss his eyes.. the pitch of his voice when he’s joking… and the deep pull in it sometimes… I miss the curve of his mouth when he smiles… I miss being able to speak to him everyday… I miss snuggling up and watching tv… I miss the strange things you do with your eyebrows when you’re thinking…
Utter, utter wanker.
I don’t even know why I’m angry. I’m fine. I am. So why am I so angry and grr? This is nothing. This is just stupidity. It is. It’s nothing. I am just being stupid. As I told Louise, it is simply a coincidence. That’s all it is. Right? Right.
There are coincidences like these all the time. You’re being silly and it means nothing. Your life is not a story book. You will not find a fairy tale ending. Stop searching for one. Stop needing one.
Everybody gets killed off in the end.
Stop it because you’re just hurting yourself and you know that. Ignore it. IGNORE IT.
Okay, so the dreams you can’t control but this? This is stupidity in it’s most pure form. And you know it so what the hell do you think you are doing Rebecca? Wth do you think you are doing? The only one who cares is you and you don’t want to care so you need to stop. Stop everything.
Stop the world because I want to get off.
Ignore your gut. Ignore everything that you think might be telling you something because it isn’t. It was wrong with James and it is certainly wrong with this. If he gave a damn about you in the way you wish he did then he would have told you by now. Yes, he’s a stubborn, thick ass, but he wouldn’t take this long. You’re not in a movie and there is no such thing as happily ever after. There never was.
You’re gonna die alone and old with nothing but cats for company and you will damn well bloody like it because if you don’t you’re only in for a shit load more heart break and as we’ve clearly shown you don’t seem to be able to cope with that too well. You let arseholes like Stephen in too readily and you show your damn vulnerability to people like him more easily than anyone bloody else.
Stop giving a fuck about him.
Seriously. It’s not helping. It just makes you angry because you don’t know what else to do. And you’re only angry because you’re frightened and hurt. You’re not an animal. Pull yourself together.