I’ve done a Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Best Writing Partners before. But now I feel it’s time for the Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners. So sit back and relax whilst I count them down.
Unless, of course, you have a cat on you.
Are you ready…?
Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners
No. 10 : Unhelpful With Feedback
– I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious why this is on the list of Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners. Their critiques are usually more about how you’re either not still enough whilst typing to constitute the best bed. I know, because Jasper Jingles is currently giving me some serious side eye whilst taking up the majority of my lap where my typing is jiggling him.
Or you’ve spent too much time sat by the computer and haven’t fed them in the last half hour.
These aren’t the critiques we need as writers. We’d prefer a cat with some reading glasses and a read pen. Or even just a chirrup of appreciation that whatever you’ve put to paper is up to par. Is that too much to ask, Mr Kibbles? Well, is it?!
No. 9 : My Chair Now
(AKA Don’t Stand Up)
– This is number nine on the list because, really, when you’re writing, you shouldn’t be leaving your chair much. Unless, of course, you’ve read my Top Ten Things To Drink (Whilst Writing) and really desperately need a wee. In that case, I’m not going to make you soak your best chair.
But this is the Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners, so even that caveat won’t boost it up the list. It is still on the list, though.
My writing chair is my best chair. It’s comfortable, adjustable, and wipe clean. And honestly, I didn’t just buy it for my cats.
No. 8 : Sit In The Most Awkward Place
– Working off the back of the last point on the list, it isn’t just your chair that’s fair game. Oh no. Here’s a list of other places my cats have placed themselves to encumber me:
- In front of my laptop
- Behind my laptop
- On my keyboard
- On my feet
- Under my arm
- Partially across my lap and partially across the keyboard
- In front of or dangerously near my drink
No. 7 : Sit On Important Notes
– There’s a theme in the Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners so far. But this is worse than sitting in awkward places or on your chair.
I mean, how the hell are you supposed to get anything done when there’s a cat sat on your notes?! Oh ho, you say, just move it. Oh yeah? Everybody knows that if you move a cat they will automatically go back to the place where they were sat before like some kind of furry, bitey, purring magnet.
No. 6 : Pens & Paper Are Toys
– I cry for my favourite pens. No, really. I weep.
I had some lovely liquid ink roller ball pens that wrote like beautiful, archaic script. Where are they now? Chewed, broken, stashed under furniture. What kind of monster would do such a thing, you ask?
No. 5 : Hunt The Cursor
– Not everything is about sitting on the Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners, though. Some things are about unnecessary computer harassment. Basically, anything that moves.
But think about it… You’re creating your next book cover. Everything is going fabulously. Then an angry, indignant furball launches itself at your screen, smashing down on your keyboard in its attempt to thwart the great and powerful cursor. Of course, your furry friend leaves and you find you’ve saved a new, horrific artwork where your beautiful cover art should be. Not only that, but the original window is closed and the project file has been erased.
You can’t lament either, because…
No. 4 : I NEED FOOD
– Yup. It’s food time.
Constant food time. Sometimes, not even cat food. My naughty scavengers come running when they hear a crisp packet rustle. And, whether I want to share or not, I will be doing because claws and paws beat fingers and thumbs.
No. 3 : Feet Taste Good
– That’s right. Once they’ve filled their little purr tums, they want to bite your feet. You could be sat perfectly still, but if you’re in the zone, you know what’s going to happen next.
Teeth and claws will be puncturing your soft, fleshy soles and you’ll wonder what demon, hell cat you adopted. And you thought there weren’t enough justifications for a Top 10 Reasons Why Cats Are The Worst Writing Partners.
No. 2 : Hairballs
– Nearly there. The second most terrifying thing about trying to write with a cat in tow.
You’ve heard it before, right? That horrible gagging noise. That sound. The one that breaks through your writing reverie and screams: BILE AND HAIR ARE NOW YOU’RE NEW HOUSE DECORATIONS!!!
Which finally brings us to….
No. 1 : ersx tklb 7ilyb ;
(Or Oops, I stood On The Keyboard…)
– Is there anything worse than coming back to the keyboard and finding your lovely little fluffball has edited your work? That’s right. You popped to the loo, but now you’re back and your MC is no longer employing the 5k words you just wrote. It’s all been deleted back to the start of some dialogue.
You frown and peer at the computer only to read:
The cat was screaming. Yowling. She turned to look at him and said, “Are you hungry? Is it time for;ioilu h;oiubj ;oin io;o ohgkjtyfuv54cw3t2q32qt3etj tk hhhhhhbj,,,,,,,nhl btvrecwaxezrqiv cuwyxtwzx cuvib6h67jmk;l../
– Don’t write with a cat. It’s just not worth it.
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