L’esprit De L’escalier

I’ve realised I make comments about some things like I don’t care in order to hide the fact that I care too much, in case it bites back at me or something.

I’m pretty sure it won’t, but I worry a lot that people think I’m being silly and over emotional about things. I worry that they realise I invest my heart in certain things and certain people and make myself vulnerable. And I’m not sure why it matters that they know how vulnerable about certain things and certain people I am when they are friends that I’m talking to.

But sometimes my tone of voice is wrong. Sometimes I sound like I think the things I’m talking about are silly or childish or too much when I don’t think any of those things at all. I guess it’s part of protecting myself from their views.

Not that it matters. I know how I really feel. And that’s really all that counts.

Why am I rambling about this? Why indeed. Probably because I’ve spent almost the entire day with friends and, as bizarre as it may sound, I use up so much energy just being with friends sometimes. After that I retreat and I concentrate on the passing thoughts that have entered my head. Thoughts on my own behaviour and the behaviour of those around me.

I guess it helps me work myself and others out.

I am tempted to sit and rewatch Pride and Prejudice (the version with Knightley and MacFadyen). I don’t think I will just yet, though.

I’m sitting alone in my room right now. I can think of only one person I can relax so well with and not feel on edge. There’s also a longing for them to be sat beside me right now, too, but nothing I can currently do about that.

It does make me wonder if things have been said, but I guess they probably haven’t. Forgetfulness mostly. And something else. It changes dynamics anyway, I suppose.

Maybe I won’t watch that film. Maybe I’ll just go to bed. This has been a rambling post. Welcome to my head.

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