It’s an hour and 12 minutes into my birthday… and I’ve spent them deleting and untagging someone from my life. Every photo I took of that band no longer has him tagged in it and any of him on his own are gone. GONE.
Even photos from when I met him for the very first time. There are probably a couple I’ve missed, granted, but mostly they’re gone.
I’m just not doing it any more.
I even deleted an entire album of him with his now (again) girlfriend that he left me for without explanation, because I’m sick of looking at it everytime I scroll through my albums on facebook. Now he’s untagged in all the photos with his band or with his best mate. And those albums are all set to friends only so he will never again see any of the pictures – only tagged friends will. The ones of him. Just him. They’re all gone. All deleted.
I don’t even know what provoked this tonight.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m turning 22 (well… already 22 according to the clock) and he hasn’t bothered. I mean, he’s had all this time. Sure, he’s sent me messages saying he misses me, but what good is that to me?
I’m not a fall back. I’m not going to hang around and wait for him, no matter how much my heart might disagree on the matter.
And with all this time he’s had to change his mind, grow a backbone and do the right thing… What has he done?
A couple of texts to send me off kilter. Letting me know his number.
He hasn’t left her. He hasn’t said he loves me. And he hasn’t done anything to prove that’s true or that his feelings before (when he did say he loved me) were true.
No. He’s been a coward.
Well I’m not a coward. If I’d done the same thing I would have sucked it up and told everybody the truth – no matter how much it would have hurt and caused upset. At least I wouldn’t be a liar. At least I wouldn’t be inflicting people with the cruellest and most heart wrenching pain of being lied to!
Because I am honest. And love is honest. Love is true.
I will not lie.
By the end of today, the twenty-first, I must force myself into a new start. It’s a transition. It has to happen.
People on facebook have mistaken what I’ve done with this whole untagging/deleting thing. They think I’m ‘pissed off’ or angry for some reason.
The truth is that I’d wanted to do it to get rid of the accidentally seeing his face and remembering things I don’t need to remember or hurt over. I’d wanted to do it for a while, but couldn’t.
Then tonight a destructive, determined mood overtook me. And that was the mood I needed to do this.
So now it’s done. And I can’t go back on that.
I read on one of those astrology things on tumblr that once a Pisces forgets someone then they might as well be erased from their mind. A bit like Eternal Sunshine.
Maybe that’s what will happen and every one of these thoughts will evaporate like tears in the sunshine.
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