…is an awesome word and also what the snow appears to be right now.
Of course this means wrapping up warmly in my winter jumper again (as you can see above) and taking little white doggies out for walks in the beautiful snowfall. It’s quite lovely, actually, walking them in the dark with the silence and the glitter of white flakes and the lack of people.
Still, I rather hope it clears tomorrow. I’m still doing extra duties at a school nearby where my dad works. The school is in a small village that always gets hit badly by the snow and the school itself is up the top of a very steep hill that doesn’t take kindly to icy weather. As much as I like this pretty weather, I don’t want to have to drive in that village in it.
Having said that, if it snows for my birthday week I won’t mind. I’m off that week with it being half term and the only thing I’ll really have to do is go out to the pub to grieve over another shoddy year of being alive. I wonder how many birthday kisses I’ll get? Ha ha.
There is a vague plan for my birthday. It’s basically to go out on the Thursday (because my favourite local does £1.50 drinks on Thursdays and certain awesome barmen know what I drink anyway so I don’t really have to order) and then the only club in town to dance like a reject… which I may also rinse and repeat on the Friday and Saturday (depending on how much money I have left over).
Money is such an issue right now, but I’m planning on applying somewhere I have worked before and am hoping I’ll get a job there as my brother works there and so does one of my best friends.
Speaking of my brother, Master Berserker, Friday is the day he moves out. This means that I’ll have peace and quiet every night after I come home from work instead of randomly. If I get this other job, though, I probably won’t because I won’t be there on a night. At the moment, more money is what I need.
I’d like to sort out a few things that need doing with my dear car, get some new clothes and throw out the ones with holes in, new bed sheets and then I’ll probably start saving to get my own place or something. I’d also like to give money to my parents every month, which I haven’t been able to do yet. If I could, I’d love to treat them to things.
I know that if I did move out there are a couple of people I could flat share with. Until I can afford it, though, I won’t make too big a deal. I would never have gotten so fuelled by the idea if somebody else hadn’t worked it into my head. The truth is that I could quite happily live at home with my mum for the rest of her days, but my dad irritates me so much that I wouldn’t want to.
It’s not so much him as a person but the fact that he can’t clean up after himself, he has a tantrum every time he’s asked to do something or he cooks dinner and he never listens to you when you talk to him. And really? I can’t be doing with that any more. I work myself up and get stressed enough without him adding to it. What I need is to be able to chill out on my own with no one else to bother me.
But the thing is affording that on my own. The whole thing before where I thought I would be eventually moving out was because I thought it was somebody I could trust and I knew it was somebody who I could stand to live with. My big thing was that I wasn’t sure it was really what that person wanted even though they’d initiated the idea etc. Turns out I was just stupid again. Stupid and foolish to trust somebody so implicitly.
The likelihood of me trusting anyone with such long term, committed ideas like that again is not high. I’m too anxious and too paranoid to be like that.
Things feel a little like they’re picking up, though. I’m disconnected again, except for in my dreams, but to have things there instead of in wakeful moments is much better, I feel. I also got rid of his stuff. I haven’t messaged him to let him know. I’m sure he’ll find out because it is at his friend’s house waiting for him. They’ll pass it to him sooner or later. At least now he has no reason to turn up at my door unless he grows a backbone… and, judging by these past few months and the lack of response to the answer of his stupid text, that’s not going to happen.
Also, I apologise for the lateness of my flash fiction entry the other day and the fact that I’ve sort of disappeared most of the week. Like I say, I’ve been feeling disconnected and that usually leaves me with far fewer thoughts to depart than usual so I space out and disappear or (as Blondie put it) fade away and radiate.
Anyway, I’m going to get myself a brew to help with cramp then I’ll get on with some disconnected writing of a disconnected world. I hope you’re all doing okay, darlings!
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