Dabbling

In case you hadn’t guessed by the montage I made in yesterday’s post, I have had a lot on my mind lately. A lot of it hasn’t been my fault and whenever I get to that comfortably numb point something or someone happens again to throw me right off kilter.

It happened in that week after new years with that message that he probably never meant, because that’s the only way I can explain it without hurting all over again and driving myself insane. Besides, if he’d meant it he would have told her the truth, finally ended things the way they should have been ended and turned up to tell me how he actually feels no matter the time of day or where I was.

And yeah, if that happened he’d maybe have a chance.

I don’t think it’s asking for much. All it’s asking for is the truth and less hurt for everybody involved. Most especially a kid who doesn’t deserve to have been dragged into such a mess by thoughtless adults. In my opinion (and this is just my opinion – feel free to disagree), you don’t get back with somebody you’ve never had a stable relationship with when there is a child involved because it not only hurts the child if they’re seeing this person but it also confuses them in regards to how they’re supposed to see that person.

And I think that’s a terrible thing. Kids need stability and boundaries. And this mess is giving that child neither.

I apologise if you disagree, but like I say that’s my opinion.

I’d rather a hurtful truth that will pass in time than a lie that will cause more misery and woe as time progresses until it collapses in on itself and sucks in all those who hear it. Some people may prefer the lie, but I think that speaks of pitiably low self-esteem. If you’d rather believe what you know to be a lie than the truth you can see, you’re only hurting yourself.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Perhaps that’s because I’m so tired and my mind is verging on the numbness it seeks. I’m watching Pride and Prejudice (the Keira Knightley/Matthew McFadyen version) for the millionth time. I love this one and my favourite scene where he declares his love for her is about to play. I’ve mentioned it before in a post on this blog, I’m sure.

It gets me everytime, though.

Is it weird that I keep feeling as if there should be a ring on one of my fingers? I haven’t worn rings for the longest time (my fingers are so small I have barely any that fit properly), but for some reason I keep checking to see if I’ve lost a ring when I know I don’t wear one. It’s rather bizarre.

I did it subconsciously whilst driving today and then remembered. I used to wear a silver ring on that finger. It was one that my mum found randomly in her car. It had the yin and yang symbols on but the yin (dark) side had fallen out. I’ve misplaced it along with my other rings (including a Hawaiian wedding ring that is far too big) somewhere in my room.

Perhaps this mental need to check for a ring means that I should be wearing one? Or perhaps it’s something I don’t want to think about.

Anyway, I’ve come to a kind of decision over the one thing I have  control of in this situation. I’ll see where it leads and hope for the best, but it shall be my secret for a time.

So forgive me my heart and thank you for reading my drivel.

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