When the chips are down, what do you do?

You play FreeCell until all the thoughts go away and you’re left with an empty mess. I keep emptying everything out of my head until I feel distant and hollow.

Sometimes, not knowing exactly who reads this is a burden. I can’t sugar coat or anything… not that I want to sugar coat. I just want to be prepared, I guess, for whatever might be slung at me for an interpretation of my thoughts.

I kissed somebody I shouldn’t have kissed the other night…

That’s not because they’re a terrible person or anything… It’s because I am. I shouldn’t have because I didn’t want it. I don’t want anyone like that right now. I couldn’t…

People keep hitting on me… Maybe I look vulnerable or something or they think because of how I feel I’ll just let them get their way. I’m not a one night stand kind of girl. And I’m not the kind of girl who would consider being with anyone unless I knew my heart was in it. And right now?

My heart isn’t in anything…

And I don’t want to hurt anyone with that. And I know that if I’d continued kissing the guy I’d kissed the other night, I would only have ended up hating myself more than I already do.

I went to a friend and cried on them barely a minute after because I felt so bad and because I’m still hurting so much over my ex. Then I tried to freshen up in the bathroom and just ended up bawling on another friend in there… When we finally went outside I tried to speak to someone I trust about it and was snapped at instead. I was told it was my own fault for calling the guy over to say hello.

My intentions were never to lead anyone on as my friend seemed to make out. I’d just wanted to say hello and after a couple of drinks I do that to pretty much anyone I like talking to. Even if it’s the second time I’ve seen them in a night.

So what my friend said really hurt… and I walked what’s almost a mile home alone in the rain and the dark… crying some more…

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so… ashamed and empty.

Right now, I really hate myself for seeming to encourage someone. And he’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s pretty damn nice. But I’m not the girl for him. Really, I’m not.

I’m not the girl for anyone right now. I’m such a hateful mess… Everything hurts. Every little piece of me hurts so much…

And I’ve been asked to do something that could really hurt the person who hurt me… Not that I know much, but… And I don’t know if I can or if I will. I don’t know if I’m that person.

I don’t who I am right now. I feel like a ghost.

In fact, Misguided Ghosts and All I Wanted by Paramore comes to mind. Especially the second with the line:

And wake up early to black and white reruns that escape from my mouth

In case you hadn’t guessed, I’m not totally functioning on all of my usual levels. People have obviously noticed this, though. Even my parents for a change. My mum keeps trying to get me to go out and has been buying me things to try to cheer me up and make me happy.

But throwing money at your problems doesn’t work. Not with this kind of problem. And there’s only so much talking can do before you start thinking of other things. I’m not going to lie; when I got in the other night I was in such a bad state I made myself sleep before I did anything far more stupid and permanent.

I really wanted to go to my mum and cry on her, but I couldn’t. I only ever cry in front of  my mum if I can’t help it. It’s been like that for years. It has with almost everyone. I try to hold it in.

It’s not healthy, but I’m proud… and terrified of showing how vulnerable I am.

That’s part of the reason why I write this blog. I can let go here. I can salve myself in some way by striking this black box with my thoughts, every one of them in their naked vulnerability. It’s like the hole in my heart is leaking out here and these words are my blood.

I guess that makes me Tom Riddle… but please don’t stab your computer with a Basilisk fang because I can’t afford the compensation.

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1 thought on “Rosehips”

  1. You kissed him, you didn't ask him out. Drunk kissing at a party isn't leading someone on. That being said, I have an idea of where you are and know there is light on the end of the tunnel. It is just getting from where you are to there.

    Hell, I am in the middle of that process. My heart feels like it is being torn in two.

    What do I do when the chips are down? I cry, play silly Facebook games and write. Sometimes I call a friend, other times I just sleep.

    Wishing you the best on your journey.

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