Hopelessly Hopeful

I know, I know: Fall Out Boy lyrics aren’t the most socially cool way of starting a post, but they seem somehow apt and after re-listening to the song (I’ve Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth) I can see why they were playing in my head. I know it’s silly, but I find a lot of comfort in lyrics that are poetic or contain complicated thoughts.

Do you ever feel like you’re disappearing or you don’t quite exist? I do sometimes. I feel like I’m dissolving or fading away like the Cheshire Cat and soon all that will be left is a fake smile, but nobody will notice.

My mum’s ordered me some new boots. She doesn’t really have the money to, but I think the idea is to cheer me up. I guess, after all these years, she’s finally figured out that I fake it a lot when I seem fine but aren’t actually. It’s funny how the people who are supposed to be the closest to you don’t always see everything right in front of their faces.

I guess randomly crying in front of her broke the illusion that I was over anything at all. Normally, that would never happen. Years of practise mean that I used to be really good at keeping those things in and not expressing them, especially to her.

Maybe it’s just that I’m so tired I’ve given up all of my defences. There are so many of them that I don’t know how I have. They’re like walls, keeping me safe. And now there are no walls.

I am reminded of yet another line from Pride & Prejudice:

Elizabeth Bennet: “Do you think anything might tempt me to accept the hand of the man who has ruined, perhaps for ever, the happiness of a most beloved sister? Do you deny that you separated a young couple who loved each other, exposing your friend to censure of the world for caprice and my sister to derision for disappointed hopes, involving them both in misery of the acutest kind?”

You’ll get sick of my current obsession with this film soon enough. I don’t know why I am stuck on it. All I know is that it keeps coming back to me, slipping into my head.

It distracts me from my own distraction.

Thoughts chase themselves around my head with no particular direction or motive. The only time I seem able to concentrate is in snapshots and usually these only last long enough for work.

Maybe the reason why Pride & Prejudice is playing on my mind is because they push themselves away from each other in it. It could be. Or it could just be that it’s a good film.

This is also my 300th blog post. It’s amazing you’ve survived reading my rubbish this long.

I get my new mobile tomorrow. I swapped around my contract to get it a bit cheaper and snap up my free upgrade. It’s something to look forward to. There are so many little things I keep finding to look forward to. Like the fact I have the day off tomorrow.

Though, that latter isn’t so much something to look forward to. I have nothing to do, no money and probably no one to see. Not that I’m trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. These are just reasons why most of my days seem a ghost-like haze where I sleep to avoid reality. It’s not great. It’s probably erring towards depression again.

There’s nothing I can do about that. It will have to clear up on its own. Going out such a lot might not be helping, either. It doesn’t always manage to cheer me up. It’s not the company. It’s me. And how I feel inside.

And I really can’t help that. I wish I could. It would be much easier. But life doesn’t want to give you easiness or happiness, does it?

I should tell you that nothing was better than that first kiss.

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