Feeling tired and distant today. I’m having trouble getting to sleep properly on a night leaving me maybe three hours sleep a night, which certainly isn’t ideal. My second eldest brother and his wife came over for the last time yesterday.

They’re emigrating to New Zealand to start a new life together there. They spent the day here and then we drove them to where they’re staying later on. For a change, there were no arguments and my brother didn’t make as many digs as usual.

As I’ve said, I feel distant and distracted today so this post may not be entirely all there.

My mum thinks I should write somebody a letter telling them exactly how I feel about them and deliver it. She thinks we’re both too deep and not straight forward with how we feel. Maybe my thoughts are deep, but I’d always thought my feelings were fairly obvious unless I was trying to hide them.

Aren’t they?

I don’t know. I’m pretty sure everyone else knows exactly how I feel. Surely that means he does. What kind of idiot would think I didn’t feel that way after I let myself be so vulnerable?

Stupidity. I’m not going to rant. I’m not going to say how I feel here. I guess if he really didn’t know and he wanted to/cared about it then he would get in touch.

Perhaps I am too held back. Perhaps I’m not. I have no idea. It makes me feel so lost. Maybe you can tell that from these posts that leap from iceberg to iceberg, hoping that this is the one stable enough not to melt.

I should read to keep my mind occupied, but it doesn’t seem to want to stay in one place. It’s just wandering. Wish I knew what to do.

Sliding Doors is one of my favourite films. It’s wonderful. in the film, the protagonist lives two different lives. At first, the movie starts off with one life and then splits into two different time streams according to the impact of one decision. In one of these time streams she finds her lover cheating on her and in the other she misses it. In the first, she leaves him and ultimately ends up with somebody who truly loves her back until the end where she dies. In the second, she stays with the cheating lover, not knowing any different, until the end where she miscarries.

I don’t want the second timeline. I want to be the girl in the first, no matter how short the time would be with that one person.

I don’t want to be like my parents either. They had so many chances to be together earlier on in life and they messed them up. They wasted so much time. Time they could have spent together, loving each other.

I’m tired.

I’m watching voles on the TV on a programme called Frozen Planet. They’re cute when they’re not half-dead thanks to your cats. Not that you needed to know that.

Like I said, I’m not quite with things right now.

Oh and I caved. I got myself a tumblr. So if you tumble, then please feel free to follow me. Winking smile

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1 thought on “Tinctures”

  1. Hugs. I know it's difficult to see a way out of the intense feelings you're experiencing. Maybe try making a list asking yourself what you truly want. What will allow you to move forward? Get to the core of what is bothering you most. Is it closure? Do you feel you need validation? What needs to happen so you can imagine yourself in a happy head space again?

    Answer this question:

    If _____________ happened, I could start to put this behind me.

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