A Chance Of Torrential Rain

I should start with some happy news because I haven’t given you any lately, have I? Well, the good news is that I finished the WIP. Next is the editing process, but right now my head is no way ready for that.

Over the past few days I’ve been made to feel even more confused and hurt and in bits than I already was. It’s like somebody else can’t make their mind up or anything and then I’m being asked to wait while he gets his head sorted out with professionals, which isn’t fair. It’s not fair to ask someone to wait for them when they’ve decided to be with someone else.

It just isn’t. And especially when you know how they feel about you. It’s stringing them along. It’s giving them hope for the longest time and then you’re probably going to take their whole world away anyway.

My trust is in shatters. And then I’ve been made out to be a liar. Like I knew what was going on and that apparently things between us ‘hadn’t been working’. That’s news to me. I kind of think that if things aren’t working either both of you notice or one of you has the backbone to say something to the other. As far as I was aware, nothing was wrong between us.

And then I was told that it was guilt why he left me and that he had felt all of those things with me and that none of it was a lie. But then someone else was told that it was the guilt of being with me. So which is it? What’s going on? Why can’t I have a bloody explanation instead of all this shit?

I just want to know the truth. That’s all I want.

I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t get an answer over the phone, let alone face to face, and I think I deserve it considering how much I’ve been hurt and lied to and played like a fool. And it’s just not fair to ask me to wait if he doesn’t love me and after everything I end up even more hurt and more of a fool than I already am for believing him and trusting him so implicitly.

And I couldn’t give a damn if he’s reading this. If he is then I hope he hurts. I hope it’s as horrible and heart breaking for him as it is for me. I hope he understands how much deep pain he’s caused me by saying three words I don’t think I could ever bear to hear again from anyone at all.

It’s not fair to tell me how much you hurt and how suicidal you are when you’re the one who’s caused all of this. And to tell people that you chose her because she’s your ‘best bet’? What the hell does that mean? WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN?

Because I don’t know. I don’t understand.

I don’t know what I’m writing either. I started because it was the easiest thing to do. It was the easiest way to stream some kind of consciousness from my disbelieving mind.

And you don’t leave somebody for somebody you feel ‘indifferent’ about. That’s two types of cruel. And there’s a kid involved, which makes it worse. What kind of stability is that? What kind of stability is it for any of them when the whole reasoning is so fucked up?

I apologise for the swearing in this post. But sometimes you have to go with it. You have to go with the disbelief and the shock and lack of understanding. Oh and apparently I ‘pestered’ his best friend so that he’d have a go at him. Great. Because I spoke to him once and only to ascertain what a fool I’d been. How stupid and silly I’d been. If I’d been strung along so that he could get back with his ex and use me in the mean time.

Not that it matters because it doesn’t matter to him.

I’m an idiot. I’m an utter idiot for believing. You shouldn’t trust someone so implicitly. Never ever. It’s not worth it.

They don’t love you. It’s just a lie. It’s just an awful stinking lie to get you to open your heart up until it breaks right open and there’s nothing left. And then they take everything you gave and run off with no explanation.

Bitterness. Pain. Hurt. Emptiness. Nothingness.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even know what I’m bothering to write or why. It just needed to come out. My heart hurts. My head hurts. And my eyes are sore. I want to throw up until there’s nothingness. And hate hate hate everything.

Make it all go away. I wish someone could make it all go away. Don’t let me feel this any more.

Give it up.

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