Long Kiss Goodbye

I went out a few days ago. It started off as a good night. My friend got me drunk, trying to take my mind off things. I guess it didn’t work so well because I ended up balling my eyes out in public. I hate public shows like that.

I’m not even sure exactly how it started or where it came from. I haven’t been able to cry properly since it happened. I just don’t know how or what to do or how to feel or… anything.

I don’t understand.

It doesn’t make any sense. None of the reasons I come up with make it any better. They just make it worse. I try sleeping so I don’t have to live it, but dreams convince me nothing’s changed until I wake up to what I can only describe as Hell.

Either he doesn’t love me and never did – it was all just a lie. Some sordid kick that he needed to get out of his system since the first we met, not caring about how I feel or what it did to me, enjoying convincing me that his feelings were real when they weren’t.

Or he does and all of this is because of outside pressure and a build up of guilt because his ex was alone with her kid and his mother preferred her to me. That he really did want all of those things with me that he professed. That he did think we were ‘perfect’ together. That he did want us living together by Christmas in a place of our own. That that’s why he couldn’t even tell me if he loved her. That he really didn’t want to go back to her.

Neither of these help, however.

They mean he’s either lying or he’s left me for a reason that isn’t good enough. So which should I believe? The evidence all points to the latter. And that hurts. Both of them hurt. There isn’t a reason without horrendous pain.

I feel so sick and everything is twisted up inside. I’m not even supposed to be writing this. I’m supposed to be writing my #GhoulsGalore entry. Forgive me for delaying.

There are so many lovely people around me offering support and trying to keep me busy. I’m so grateful for you all. Really, I am. But at the same time I’m not entirely sure what to do with it. It helps, but it changes nothing.

I can’t stand not being able to do anything. I can’t stand the way I feel. I don’t want to hurt like this.

There’s so much pain. I’ve never felt this much. And I hate saying that because I sound like a child with their first crush, but even my closest friend commented that I’d taken this harder than anything else before. And I think she’s right. But there’s no way to make it go away…

I’ve lost my best ever friend and he couldn’t even tell me to my face. And he won’t even tell me why…

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