Pick Me Up Tape Me Together

There’s so much going through my head that I don’t know where to start and yet I have an almost eerie calm hanging over me. It’s like part of me is more sure than the rest.

I kind of like that feeling. It’s a weird sort of reassurance that I lost for a couple of years, but it’s back now. There are reasons why it disappeared for a few years. However, I won’t go into those right now. It’s enough for me that the calming notion is back and helping me to stay a little more chilled out despite stresses I feel.

I’ve been feeling stressed for about a week now.

My stress mostly comes from other people. I’m naturally quite an anxious person. I always have been. I worry about everyone around me and how I impact on them almost too much.

Some of that I can attribute to a need for people to like me. That’s not because I’m an attention seeker. Partly it’s because I was bullied a lot when I was younger, including by one of my older brothers. And that always skews your perception of yourself. It’s like you’re not good enough for all of the reasons that they tell you and that it’s all your own fault.

And here we touch upon another of my chronic failings. In my family there is always someone to blame and as such I blame myself a lot of the time for silly little things I know are not my fault. It’s ridiculous.

Nevertheless, in recent years I’ve stopped blaming myself so much and feeling guilty for things that are not up to me because that only leads to frustration and, subsequently, more stress. Slowly, I’m learning to let go of that feeling. But sometimes it still piles up.

Why have I been feeling stressed this week? Other people around me are stressed and I can’t help, not to mention financial problems and worries over whether I truly am allowed to be happy in a certain sense. It almost culminated in a migraine a week ago.

I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t even thinking about stressful things. For a change, I was just staring into space, but then I got that horrible familiar feeling of losing sensation in my limbs, which is how my migraines start. The only way I seem to have avoided them is by breathing like you do when you’re meditating. I think it helps lower my blood pressure.

Luckily that worked, but it left me on high alert all night and when I dozed I had a pretty nasty dream that only served to wake me back up again. Unfortunately, I’ve been plagued by small headaches all week so the migraine might be trying to catch up with me. I really hope it doesn’t, but some things are inevitable as others are not.

I’m hoping that this eerie calm helps to keep it at bay and that everything will be alright as it promises it will. I just needed to reaffirm it here and get it out of my system.

It has to be said that blogging is my choice of writer’s therapy.

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