Currently fairly inebriated. I apologise for any misspelt words and such. My head feels like it’s pounding with all the caffeine in the alcohol. It also feels like I’ve just yelled at it as I rightly have.
I managed to pull tonight. A really gorgeous guy. I mean, seriously gorgeous guy. But it seems that the only guys who are ever into me are called James or Stephen – yes, I just gave away the names of my exes. Ugh. Which leads me to why I feel like crap even though this guy really was gorgeous and really was after me (shock horror – I pulled a good looking guy/I pulled!)… He kissed me. He pulled me close and he kissed me but all my sodding brain bleated was stupid Stephen’s name. I hate him. Stephen – not the guy who kissed me, though, the guy who kissed me was called James.
Except, I only hate him because I think about him. And then I hate him more.
I don’t even know what else to write. I just need to get my thoughts down. I gave the guy my phone number because he pretty much insisted. Considering my thoughts, though, it probably wouldn’t be wise to continue anything. I’m not going to hurt anyone more than I have to.
Ugh. What is wrong with me? The guy was bloody gorgeous. Seriously gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome… and I’m thinking of bloody Stephen! I dopn’t want to think of bloody Stephen! I want to hate him with all of my heart! I want him to go the hell away. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
This is a sad pathetic moment. I will let you in on a little secret. I want to cry right now. I want to cry and I want to scream and I want to throw things at him. Why am I getting my self upset? This is stupid. I don’t care. I don’t care about him. I will never care about him again. Ever.
Yeahj right. I bet you’re saying, “So why are you getting so worked up about it?”
The answer to that is I’m contrary and stubborn and as proud as hell. I don’t want him to know how vulnerable I feel. I don’t want him to know that I love him and that I let him closer than anyone else ever had been before. I don’t want him to have the staisfaction of knowing that I have this irrevocable feeling for him. I don’t want him to know that the reason I snapped at him etc was because that was the only form of defence I hasd left. What else can you do after you’ve let somebody right in? What else can you do when you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re hurt/?
Really. What can you do?
I shoud sober up. I ned to sober up and get a grip. It’s almost half four in the morning. Ugh.
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