There are some songs that just fit your mood. This is one of them.
I’m wearing a red shirt. It has quite a few different words and slogans thrown across them; all of these slogans and quotes follow the same subject. One of them reads: Only for the lost hearts… I’ve been getting quite a few shirts with things written on them. I guess I kind of like the idea of being a canvas for thoughts and emotions. Right now, I feel like a canvas of shifting thoughts and emotions. I feel like there is a river running right through me, carrying everything that lies heavy on my heart. Sometimes, I sit back to feel the quiet that trickles through everything. When I do, I can feel the pulse of my heart vibrating through my whole body and I imagine that it makes a slow sound. That slow sound is not unlike jazz. I guess that that’s why this song seems similar to how I feel right now.
I once wrote a long journal entry piece about an ex a few years ago. It consisted of a description of being stuck on a train between stations and about how I was very confused about the situation, but when I called my ex he couldn’t hear me properly or couldn’t reach me. This journal entry was a very long time ago. I may fish it up one day and add it on here somewhere, but not right now. Right now I feel like I’m being haunted by deja vu or something similar. It’s like there are random things jumping out at me and reminding me of things that have gone before. These are things that I shouldn’t hope to happen again because there is no point in hoping. I don’t want these things to jump out at me.
Sometimes I still hope I’ll come home and find somebody waiting for me.
This is a silly hope. I need to put it behind me. I know, though, that if I found them waiting for me, I’d freeze up instead of going to them like I’d want to. I’d be snappy and cruel and put up a wall to pretend I didn’t care, when all I’d be wanting is to see an ounce that they cared… and still I would force myself to be wary of them for a while.
This will never happen.
I shouldn’t be so stupid as to hope it would. I shouldn’t have let my guard down in the first place. It’s been nearly a year… A year should change how you feel about somebody. Clearly it doesn’t. Still, I’d think myself fickle if it did. After all, I still miss somebody else, but I recognise that I’m not quite as naive as I was then and that I’d rather talk to him just as a friend. He was a good conversationalist, especially regarding music. We could talk for hours about song lyrics and what we thought of them. I miss that about him. I miss losing the close friend in him that I had, but he would never turn up at my door. If I wanted, I could contact him, but we’re not the same people any more and his bitterness would just drag me back down. I don’t need dragging down.
Only for the lost hearts…
(Lyrics in the title are from Hometown Glory by Adele)
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