I had a dream last night…
It started off as any normal dream would. I say normal, but what I mean is weird. My dreams are always weird. It was something about Johnny Depp, pirates, a leaky house and some kids and a bathroom…
Then all of a sudden I dreamt I had an email from a girl who was supposed to be my daughter. Apparently I’d given her away or something at the suggestion of her father. She’d somehow tracked me down and wanted to see me, but her father worked somewhere near her school, which was where I was supposed to meet her. For whatever reason, I’m afraid of her father and I feel timid when he’s around so I try to avoid seeing him, but it doesn’t work. He sees me and doesn’t appear to know who I am at first. So I go back home to find an email from this girl who is supposed to be my daughter (and for whatever reason she reminds me of the character I created called Jocasta). She says he’s worked out who I am and that she’s sorry. So I go to meet her again, but he’s there.
Weird thing is, it turns out he’s James.
And I’m terrified of him. He yells at me a bit and somehow backs me into this house that is half built but covered enough so that nobody will see us. He’s a builder or something for some reason and he’s constructing these houses on this estate. Anyway, he’s backed me into this house and I’m afraid because nobody can see us and he’s being quite vicious with his words. I feel like I did back last year. Like I’m battered and like he’s in control of everything and that I don’t want to upset him.
And he backs me against this wall and starts kissing me. And I kiss him back even though I’m not sure what I’m doing or that I even want to do this. Between breaths I’m pleading with him and muttering ‘no’ but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in to him and I can’t seem to stop myself reacting. At the same time I’m thinking that all I need is to be held and all I need is to feel a little, but there’s somebody else’s name frantically panning through my mind all the time that I’m letting this dream version of James touch me. He pulls me over to this chair with him and has me straddle him and I know I don’t want to but I do it anyway. I don’t even know why because I feel afraid and I feel like I’m betraying the person I’m thinking of and knowing that it’s him I want and not this… But I still feel trapped. And I’m fighting with myself as I’m kissing James and trying to tell him that it isn’t right, but at the same time he’s saying it’s what I want and what I like. He pushes his tongue in my mouth even though I don’t want him to and I can taste the flavour of the mint that he’s just swallowed on his tongue and breath. And I know that I’m ready to cry in this dream because I’m so confused and vulnerable and that if I don’t act fast I’m going to o something I regret. And the last thought in my dream before I wake is that I want this person instead of James.
Anyway, just wanted to share that and get it out of my system so that I stop thinking about it and do some work instead.
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