A writing piece of sorts, if you will, is what I now bestow upon you and hope you enjoy. It is meant to be entirely humorous and not at all an accurate representation of the readers of certain books…
I had a really bizarre dream. At first, it was something about the world ending, then, as with all dreams, it morphed into something else entirely. It was one of those dreams where I woke up thinking: I don’t even like him!
This doesn’t happen often.
My dream went as follows:
It was late night in Scarborough and I was walking down the road near B&Q but on the Edgehill side (very dangerous if you don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for by the way). My direction was headed towards Eastfield and Crossgates, except in this dream that was where parts of the castle were located and where the place I was staying was. As I’m walking, a guy rides up onto the path near me, stares at me for a few minutes and then rides off down the path on his motorbike. And I’m left thinking that he looked like Robert Pattinson but was probably just another nob on a bike trying to scare me (this would happen in the area I’ve described). So I continued walking, knowing I have a long way to go. The time of day turns to morning.
Finally, I’ve reached the bit at the roundabout where the garage is… except in my dream it’s part of the castle and I’ve entered from the upper reaches. So I go down into the main bit and notice that there is a burly guy there and the Rob Pattinson look-alike… who actually looks even more like him now that I’m in the room. So I pretend to ignore them as I usually do and go over to the table where all the leaflets are and some gobby woman tries to tell me all about the castle. I nod politely and she stuffs leaflets in my hands. Then she gives me something else and says it’s from the gentleman standing in the corner. I look over and it’s the Rob Pattinson look-alike. He switches off his mobile phone, puts it in his pocket, says something to the big burly guy, then leaves.
I try to leave by way of the stairs but something happens and we (me and the burly guy) end up having to help Matt Smith/David Tennant who are having trouble filming a scene in the castle for the new Doctor Who episodes. During this, I hug David Tennant and tell him I liked him best. They disappear off to finish their filming and I’m left with the big burly guy who detains me longer by talking to me whilst he devours a salad sandwich. He’s telling me all about Rob Pattinson and how he doesn’t like the guy’s girlfriend – I couldn’t care less as I’m not a Twilight fan, but I do mention how I cried when he died in HP. The guard doesn’t understand the term ‘HP’ so I have to inform him that it’s Harry Potter… I’m irritated by that and because I have to go somewhere, but I stand quietly and finish the conversation before finally making an excuse to leave.
As I’m walking back to where I’m staying (which seems to be the middle of town but is actually where Crossgates should be), I realise that the piece of paper I’ve been given is Rob Pattinson’s number. This is really confusing because I honestly don’t like him. I think he’s a pretty boy and that he has far too many squealing fans, especially as his acting in that dire film was just dreadful – he did a much better job in Harry Potter. So I cross the street to this dingy hotel thing where I’m staying… only he’s actually there waiting for me (slightly creepy, but it was a dream so I went with it). He takes me into a side room with a table and I’m wearing that half-smile that says I’m actually attracted to him now – mostly because of his bizarre determination and because I feel flattered. I ask him why he gave me his number because I know he has a girlfriend (who wouldn’t know when squealing fan girls and – more disturbingly – squealing fan mums hate his girlfriend for existing?). He says something about how thinks are rocky between them and he’s leaving her or something. Then he says he was thinking of taking me out to dinner – this is obviously very shocking as, before ten minutes ago, I couldn’t give a fig about him and he only met me when he stalked me on his motorbike.
And he produces several pieces of paper and says he’s no longer convinced he should (with one of those amused grins on his face that says he thinks I’ve been silly and cute – note to everybody: I AM NOT CUTE!). When I take the pieces of paper, I realise that they’re things I’ve signed which are petitions against Twilight and say how crap an actor he is in those abhorrent films (and I honestly do think those films are absolutely dire, which may be either the writer’s fault, director’s fault or none of them can act – though I’ve seen them act well in other films). So I’m really embarrassed and try to stumble over an apology, but the guy leans in to kiss me-
And then my phone started ringing.
This is even less fun because I’m awake -and- when I talk in the morning I have a voice that sounds like I’ve… well yeah… It sounds very thick and low in a morning is all I will say. This causes me to apologise to the guy on the phone who I’ve never met before (but he does have a very nice voice and was very funny – probably gay, though. The nice and funny ones always are, especially if they have nice voices). He apologises back for waking me up, asks about the ‘weird dream’ to which I exclaim, “It was about Robert Pattinson and I don’t even like him!” The guy on the phone laughs whilst I sit and wonder why I would say such a dorky thing.
[insert *headdesk* here]
Anyway, in short, I had a weird dream about Rob Pattinson, then the guy from Orange (Craig as he hastily told me before I said goodbye – as well as saying I was to contact him specifically if I had any problems) and now I’m just wondering who else is going to unexpectedly hit on me today. Last time I had one of these random days, it was the guy in the takeaway hitting on me. Sadly, I’m not very good at handling being hit on. I get uncomfortable almost immediately and totally freeze up. The only ones who don’t notice and persist are usually the ones who I wouldn’t even touch wit a barge pole.