Tag: myspace

Waking Up Without You Is Like Drinking From An Empty Cup

Social media turns people into neurotic stalking messes – most especially if you’re in a relationship with someone or wanting to be with someone or just checking someone out that you met at some point in time. Everything connects to everything. Twitter, facebook, myspace, msn and bebo have all joined hands in a circle around you, whispering everything that everyone else is doing. Most of the time, you really couldn’t care but now and again you start sneaking glimpses of a particular person’s life because you’re interested in someone. Social media, in general, just makes you neurotic and paranoid. At this minute, I am, indeed, feeling neurotic and paranoid and am desperately trying not to be. The thing is that I can’t really tell anyone that I am this neurotic mess because they can’t do anything for me except pat me and tell me it’ll be fine or tell me I’m wasting my time. Tonight isn’t over yet, but I don’t think this guy is bothered at all about seeing me. He’s been on msn for ages, said nothing and disappeared. Admittedly, I didn’t open a conversation, but I knew he was there. Somewhere in my neurotic mind, a little voice piped up and said, “You don’t want to seem like you’re stalking him or trying to push him! Maybe he’s changed his mind!” This is probably likely judging by recent behaviour, but hey. I guess I’d rather know for certain than just keep these thoughts running around in my head.

So what if I didn’t want a date with him at first? He’s the first guy I’ve kissed since my ex. I think I was allowed to be a bit confused and muddled. Incidentally, I dreamt about the ex a couple of night’s ago. In the dream, I saw his dad go into The Buck (a pub in my town) and then he left to go down the street. So I followed him. I don’t even know why I was following him in the dream except that it felt as if I was supposed to be doing it and as if my ex knew I was there and was purposefully leading me somewhere. He took out his keys to open the door of this house and made a movement for me to follow, but I woke up. I don’t know what that has to do with anything that’s going on at the minute. Maybe it just means that I should stop thinking about him. It’s not as if I even stalk him or look him up on facebook or anything. I don’t. Sometimes I think about him, though. I can’t help it. I have a memory like a video recorder; everything is in perfect detail. I even know the smells, textures and tastes of things. And, trust me, good memory like that is an absolute curse some days. I mean, as much as I loved the look he gave me, I don’t want to remember it in perfect detail and I certainly don’t want to be reminded how much it made me hold my breath and wish that it could be forever.

I don’t even remember holding my breath.

But enough of that. We shan’t go back there.

Anyhow, I am indeed annoyed with this guy. I’d like to know what’s going on. That’s all. I think I deserve that much. Still, I’ll give him until the end of tomorrow (which is now today I suppose) to speak to me. Then we’ll see. I’ll try not to hold my breath and just hope that the impression I got was wrong.

(Lyrics in the title are from The Animal Were Gone by Damien Rice)

L-O-V-E’s Just Another Word I Never Learned To Pronounce

First thing is first, I wrote a piece for Leslee Horner’s (@lesleehorner) click stories (her blog is linked to on the right hand side of this page) and today it has been posted. So if you want to read it, then please feel free to check it out here: http://lesleehorner.wordpress.com/2010/04/13/rebeccas-click/

To those of you who may know me, please don’t get the wrong end of the stick and think it was about my last ex. It wasn’t. It was about the one before him. I shan’t say their names here because I don’t want them to turn up and hassle me about anything I’ve said. They may say things didn’t happen the way I’ve said them… but I’ve said them that way because it is my point of view and this is the place for my thoughts. I can’t help that and I shouldn’t have to. This is my place to store my thoughts.

Currently, I’m wondering if my contact lenses are in right or if this bad focus is something to do with the headache I’m harbouring. I’m making dinner later on, so I hope it dies down a bit before then. My original plan for the day was to take more photographs of jewellery today. My mum makes it, you see, as a sort of hobby. Since she can’t possibly keep it all, we decided that we would make a site to sell it on. Hopefully, this will all go well. Pretty much all of the pieces are unique. No two are alike. That was the plan, anyway. I’m thinking that I will attempt to find some paracetamol instead first.

I’ve somehow managed to get seventy-one fans n my facebook page, as well. I’m not quite sure how I’ve managed that, but it’s really nice to know that so many of you appreciate the things I come out with. You’d probably appreciate it more if I got some headache tablets as I fear that I may make a few typos in this and not notice. I apologise sincerely if I do. On another note, my myspace page has gained a lot of friends, too. I realise that most of these are bands trying to get noticed, but oh well. Isn’t everybody? I don’t know if it was just for me, though, that it went a bit odd recently. When I signed in, it said I was signed in but refused to take me to the page where I could see my activity stream etc. Instead it was just showing me the page I’d signed in on. I think there’s an internet conspiracy out to get me. That’s right. The whole internet is against me. If that were true, I fear it would be a bit too Matrix-style for my liking.

Anyway, I shall disappear for another day and let you get on with whatever you were doing before I interrupted you with my journal entry.

(Lyrics in the title are from Starstrukk by 3OH!3)

The Butterflies Are Creeping Through My Spine

It must seem like I blog a lot. I do, but it’s because I either have too much going on in my head or I just like to ramble to anyone who’ll listen. Kudos to you if you’ve put up with reading my entries so far. It’s much appreciated. I’d like to think I’m not too boring. If I am, then I sincerely apologise. I realise that nothing I have to say is of much importance in the grand scheme of things, but if it helps you to brighten a dull corner of your time then I’m sure it’s worth it.
How late do you think is acceptable to send a Christmas present? Is now too late? I thought so. I still haven’t sent my friend her present. I’m pretty useless in that respect, as it’s nearly her birthday already and I still haven’t sent it. It’s not that I haven’t meant to, but our post office is out of my way and when I have time to get there it’s usually after it’s closed, which is useless when trying to send a package. She’ll get it eventually, but it may still take a while. It’s sitting off to one side all neatly wrapped. There were originally two like that and there still would be if the person to whom the second parcel was going to be sent hadn’t visited me over New Years. I’m considering waiting to send her the present for her birthday, complete with birthday gift too, instead. I’m a poor, lowly student so I guess it would cost me less to send it as one package than to send two separate packages. I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s what my logic says. Sometimes my logic is a bit shot, though, so I could be entirely wrong. If I am, please inform me. What would be nice to hear is how long anyone else may have delayed in sending anything they were supposed to send. It would be nice to think that I’m not the only one who is just generally rubbish at this kind of thing. And if you’re not rubbish like me and actually had a good reason for postponing then please share. I’m nosey and I like to hear other people’s stories – I think that’s partly why I got myself a formspring account.

You may have noticed that I added a list of links to my various pages and sites on the right. These are not going to be permanent. As soon as my new site is finished and this is iframed in, there will be no need for them as you will be able to use the site navbar to see everything that is described to the right. This is to help with my whole idea of integrating all of my social networking and everything else into one place. Not only does it make it easier for you to find stuff… but it makes it easier for me to show you new stuff! It will be clever and cool like that. As you can probably gather, I am extremely excited by all of this. I will be quite proud of it when it’s done and moreso of the people who are sorting it for me. They really get all of the credit for how it will work out. I am simply giving directions as to what I’d like to see and what I’d like to be attempted. I’m fully aware that some of it may not be possible, but as long as they try as hard as they can (which I’m certain that they will), then I will be pleased and thoroughly grateful. 
IN WRITING NEWS
This is where you get excited because I have taken a break from constant edits and have started on the last two chapters of what will either be known as Secrets or Spilling Secrets (see the poll to the right and have your say!). It’s a major scene that includes a battle, so I’ve been putting it off a little whilst I did my editing. I wasn’t just putting it off due to the fact that I’ve never written a proper battle scene before, but because I wanted to try to accomplish as much editing as I possibly could before I jumped in. It needs a lot of thought. Certain characters need to be in certain places at certain times to make sure that I can get a particular piece of writing to play out. I realise that this doesn’t sound very difficult, but by places I don’t mean that they need to be in a set room or anything like that. By certain places, I mean that the battle has to be meticulously choreographed so that the characters who die are in the right place to die and the characters who are saved are in the right place to be saved… or the characters destined to die might accidentally live and those who are supposed to live might fall down a rabbit hole or something. Is that as confusing as it sounded in my head?
I’ve only really had to choreograph one scene before and that was definitely not as complicated as a fast battle scene. I have to ensure that I write in third person, too. If you read the formspring question I was asked then you will already know about the viewpoints in the stories: In Shadows & Ghosts I noticed chapters generally alternate between first-person Jocasta and a separate third-person subplot. Do you think of these as paired off, with two consecutive chapters happening simultaneously or is it all chronological? This is done consciously; however, I usually leave the first person scenes to my main MC (unsurprisingly, perhaps, that’s Jocasta Lizzbeth Moonshadow). This is different, though. Jo will be in the scene and yet it is going to be third person. This means I have to make sure that I don’t slip into it by accident. Usually, I like to let Jo tell her story where she can and I write the other things in third person, but in this case it is imperative that Jo does not record it. This isn’t to say that she wouldn’t record it if she could… but in these ending chapters and their battle scene there is the distinct possibility that she may never write anything down again…
I’ll let you wonder why that may be and hope that I haven’t given anything away. 



You never know, I might leave it all at a bloody end right there. After all, I do so like destroying the lives of my characters and putting them in pain. Happy hypothesising and please don’t forget to comment!


(Lyrics in the title are from Roses And Butterflies by Making April)

A Human Being & Not An Object

I would like to start this journal entry with something that is utterly profound and considered thorough genius… but I can’t because I am neither of these things.
I’m having a weird evening. The bus actually picked me up some time near when it was supposed to, for one thing. Yesterday, it was far too early (because I was there early) and I had to wait a whole hour for the stupid thing to turn up. Standing outside in the freezing cold (at least it didn’t snow on me again for the entire hour) in a godforsaken village with no means of getting home except via bus… was not what I’d had in mind for my evening. Of course, I’d had to go into town as well (instead of catching the mile earlier stop near my house). That evening got more bizarre when I decided to get something to eat from the takeaway and the guy tried to chat me up. Maybe it’s just where I live, but all of the guys in the takeaways try to chat you up. It really annoys me and puts me on edge. I can’t deal with being chatted up. This wall comes down and I back away. I think that’s part of the reason why I keep getting so annoyed with the random guys who send messages on myspace. My picture on there may be nice… but what right does that give you to call me ‘babe’ and act like a total knob head whilst trying to get me to agree to speak to you? None is the correct answer. Such guys receive no reply because if I gave one it would be something snarky and I don’t want to ruin any of my day by being snarky to losers who can’t use standard English or figure out that I am a human being and not an object.
Anyway, I got home and had to tidy around a bit because my brother is clearly useless and doesn’t know what mess is. He also seems incapable of turning his music down and letting the dog out in the back garden when he gets in. It’s not much to ask, is it? So I laid down on the sofa and had a nap until my mum came in – it’s pointless trying to nap in my room because all I can hear is my brother’s music (asking him to turn it down results in a pathetic, abusive tantrum that seventeen year olds should not be having at that age). When my mum came in, she woke me up. I’m not even sure what it was that made me as angry as I was when I woke. If I’m honest, I was probably dreaming something that irritated me. So I came upstairs after having a mini argument and went back to sleep. This means I have yet to eat my dinner and it’s nearly 11pm. I’ll do it soon, but yeah… Such has been my night.

Something I would like to scream at my brother: The damn earphones are so we don’t have to hear your goddamn music blaring above everything else! Turn the bloody volume down!

Can you tell that he’s doing a stellar job of winding me up? Sometimes I wonder why I even bother in regards to him. He doesn’t appreciate anyone but himself. It’s a case of narcissism that I don’t think he’ll ever get over. Shame really. I mean the only other person he sort of cared about was his ex. And I think what she did was cruel. I’ve been in his position and it’s horrible, but the one thing that is making it worse is that her mother is getting herself involved, as thus illustrated (you may have to click the image to see it in full):

Maybe I’ve been a bit harsh, but honestly I don’t think you should get involved in your children’s relationships. The girl is 15 now. She should be learning to stand on her own two feet, especially as she seems to think that she’s so grown up. Anyway, I’ll say no more because I’m not getting involved. I know what she’s put my brother through and got him to do in his stupidity so there’s no point in my saying anything else. Her mother just needs a reality check.
Oh… And by the way, my brother’s ex since deleted me as a friend and then deleted the comment. If you can’t take good advice then don’t attempt to dish bad advice out.
I’m glad it’s the weekend. TGIF and all of that jazz. I might be able to get some more editing done this weekend. We’ve finished our block of placement, though we are in next Wednesday again. It’s been really good, but I am really quite exhausted at the minute (hence the dreadful sleeping in the day). It has, however, made me feel more like I can do this and that I’m not just blundering through life blindfold, which is the sort of feeling that I had before. Every now and again, I have a little panic and think I’m a failure, so it’s nice when I get to the confidence patch.
Hopefully this confidence will infuse into my writing some more, too. I hope to finish at least another chapter of editing by the end of the weekend. Whether this will be achieved or not is debatable. I’ll keep you posted on progress, though.
Also, there are two days left to vote on the poll. If the tie break isn’t broken I may put up another poll with the two results as options. We’ll see, then, which is the more popular title. My bet is on plain old Secrets but I could very well be wrong.