I’ve been crying a lot tonight. First off because I watched a really sad, art house type film called The Fountain. And secondly… moreso because I think I needed to cry. I’m not one of those people who can cry and feel at least fairly comfortable about it. I hate crying in front of people. My mum always tells me to stop being silly when I cry in front of her. Sadly, I don’t think she really understands me. There are things about us that are similar, but in essence we are entirely different people. I don’t cope as well as she does with situations and I don’t think she’s ever realised that. I let my emotions get the best of me and I’m not very verbal about them… even when I’m angry. I can get to the point where I’m so angry that I twitch, but still there’s a little voice inside my head stopping me from letting it all out… which, I think, is why I really started writing these journals. I can get it out on paper so much better and it doesn’t just bleed away.
I’m not sleeping too well, still. Past few nights my dreams have been pretty scary too.
I just want something to love. – that’s one of those things I don’t say.
And that’s not why I started going out with Stephen. I dunno why I’m writing this, but it’s late… and when it’s late is when I tend to let my thoughts come together more and since I’m not telling anyone in particular, I don’t have to worry about what might hurt them or how they’d react. And I can imagine that they would react in the way that I’d want. Anyway, back to the point. That’s not why I started with him. [And yes I keep banging on about this and I am going to do so until he’s cleared out of my system somehow. I don’t care what Nat says. Really I don’t. She can say I shouldn’t talk about him and that I should be over him but if so then she should stop talking about and to Giles… which she hasn’t and she spent most of Saturday night following him around and talking to him over the phone. To me, that is -not- over him.] I started with him because I’d liked him from the off. From the moment I registered him. I say that because he used to follow me around with Charlie et al yelling stuff at me about Tim because he supposedly fancied me. So I’d kept my head down and just walked away. I’d never registered their faces. The only one that stood out was Charlie because he was the ringleader.
That’s an odd thing that I miss. That he’s short but not too short and his shoulders are broad. They seem even moreso because he stands with them jarred a lot. And he seems shorter than he is because he hunches.
After the whole disaster with James, I didn’t think I’d even like Stephen so much. I thought that I’d probably have to end it because somehow he wouldn’t compare and I wouldn’t want to hurt him by being untrue to him.
And if I’m not true to myself then what’s the point in anything?
I didn’t love him from the start, but no matter what he said, there was a spark. I’ve been thinking a lot about that quote that I posted in the Favourite Quotes thread. Immature love is loving someone because you need them. And I think that’s why I loved James. I needed him even if he didn’t know it and never took the challenge. I needed him because I thought he could hold me together and that he would listen to me and because he was all mine. Nobody else I knew IRL knew him. And I guess that made him special in a way. He met every single thing on the list I’d made of what my perfect guy would be… but that’s not what it’s about, is it? I realised that, even if Stephen hasn’t – which he can’t have if the reason the relationship failed was my many faults [oh and the fact that there was no spark]. And for the record, I’m amazed how calm I’m being writing this.
Back to my point.
It turned out that James was never who I really wanted. And Stephen was. And I should maybe have told him. And he really does have an awful lot of faults. I just loved his faults, that was all. And that, in my opinion, is what love really is. I mean, I really really hate that sneering smile he does when he thinks he’s right. I always have hated it… but at the same time… I wouldn’t ever want him without it. Even his OCD.
What was the point I was trying to make?
Oh yeah. I didn’t love him from the start. It just crept on me. And as it crept on me, I questioned myself about it. I never wanted to say anything to him that was a lie. And I don’t think I ever did lie. There were just moments when I wanted to whisper to him that I loved him… but I didn’t when I first felt them because even though I thought he cared a lot, I didn’t think he loved me back and I didn’t want to pressure him into telling me a lie.
When he said it, he said it of his own accord.
So maybe that’s what gets me about him saying that he never loved me. Maybe it’s partly because he knew that James had said that too and that was one way he could crush me. Which is why I unthoughtfully made the comment about him being an asshole just like James. Sad thing is, he was doing the same thing James did as well. Cold wall of arrogance. And when I answered his ‘see you later’ with ‘no you won’t’… I never meant it… And I was shaking… And that fast walking with my head down… that was me running away because I didn’t know what else to do…
Anyway… bed time for me. I need to pry myself out of bed to go to my job centre appointment at 1.15. It’s in Driff but I’ll probably have to walk and since I keep sleeping in until three because I can’t physically get to sleep; it might be worth a shot to try. Just getting everything out on here somehow makes me feel more inner calm than anything.
The main thing I really wanted to say was about that quote thing. Because MATURE love is supposed to be where you need someone because you love them. And I need him but the only reason I have is that I love him. It’s not as if my self-esteem is in the gutter like it was after James so I don’t need him for that, which it might have seemed like I did because it picked up when things with Stephen started. It’s not. I just… I love him. And there’s nothing I can really add to that.