Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark

You may recall, I wrote a previous blogpost on the Top 10 Things To Use As A Bookmark. That was my first post in my top 10 series. Today, I thought I’d honour that by creating a sort of opposite post.

So, without further ado, today’s top 10 is… My Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark! Sit back and relax whilst I count them down.

Are you ready…?

Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark
No. 10 : Teddy Bears

– Who will protect you at night if your teddy is stuck in a book? Really? I mean, have you thought this through at all?

sweet halloween dreams by begemott
sweet halloween dreams
by begemott

Not to mention, they’re not really a very good fit for inside your book. Teddies are squishy and plump. The things you need between your pages are required to be, in the very least, flat, usually.

So discard the notion that Old Bear wants to thin himself out between the heavy covers of War And Peace whilst you catch some shut eye.

No. 9 : My Books

– I know my previous top 10 suggested using other books as bookmarks, but in the spirit of the Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark… You shouldn’t use my books as bookmarks.

Instead, you should use other books as bookmarks within my books. AKA… Read my books. Not someone else’s.

books_two_lines

Can I say that? I probably shouldn’t, but it’s my top 10 so there you go!

No. 8 : Biscuits

– I like biscuits and sometimes I like to eat biscuits whilst reading books. The only problem is that I can end up with crumbs in between pages. These are disappointing finds when you reopen your book on the same page for two reasons.

  1. You end up with grease marks marring your beautiful papery friends. They do not deserve this.
  2. Crumbs of a favourite biscuit can make you hanker for that particular biscuit.

Ergo, your book is ruined and your hunger peaked.

Now, leaving a whole biscuit in your book would solve problem number two, but that does still leave us with problem number one. In fact, a whole biscuit is like a giant, tasty, more satisfying crumb and, therefore, leaves far more grease than its itsy bitsy counterpart.

So really… Don’t use a biscuit as a bookmark.

No. 7 : Teabags

– Dry teabags are not so ridiculous to use as a wet teabag. They’re relatively flat (unless you’re a posh pyramid bag user – the infusion may be greater, but my warmth towards you is subsequently not), which makes them a great shape for slotting between pages. However, if the package is punctured prematurely, you’re going to have a problem.

This was the best part of that week.
This was the best part of that week.

Your book will be a myriad of tea leaves and tea smell. On the one hand, tea smell is an amazing aroma; on another, well, what about those of us who are clandestine book sniffers? That will totally destroy the luscious page scent we’re hankering after.

And wet teabags? Do I need to explain why you shouldn’t use a wet teabag as a bookmark?

No. 6 : False Teeth

– How many of you reading my Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark have false teeth? That many, huh?

Well, please don’t put them in your books. Again, they’re not exactly the right shape to be slotted between pages. Not to mention that, if you’ve been wearing them recently, they’ll be damp and stick your pages together. Perhaps, if you genuinely can’t find anything except your false teeth to bookmark with, you should buy an ereader (and then you can grab my books on there too!)

No. 5 : Dead Things

– Dead things make the greatest bookmarks ever! Said no one at all…

Except maybe Voldemort.

Unless the dead thing you’re thinking about is a leaf or a flower and you’re also using your book as an aid to flower pressing, then you probably shouldn’t be looking to the deceased to mark your pages.

I promise this is not a horcrux...
I promise this is not a horcrux…

A bookmark, in my experience, shouldn’t leave any physical trace that it was previously there once it’s been removed, in my opinion. So, unless your novel of choice is good old Bram’s Dracula, then perhaps ixnay on the orpsescay.

No. 4 : Worn Underwear

– Scandalous! Now, there are very few circumstances in which I can condone using previously worn underwear as a bookmark. Perhaps you’re out in the hot sweaty desert and there really is nothing else about. Or, you were reading a Mills & Boon Blaze series special and the lusty conquest of your dreams walked in and interrupted you and….

And we should probably leave that particular analogy right there.

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Suffice to say, situations in which you can use your bra, knickers, or boxers (or whatever kind of underwear you prefer, you saucy minxes) as a bookmark are fairly few and far between, which is what has earned them a place on my list of Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark.

Besides, if you take your book back to the library and forget your nicest plunge bra is inside, you’re going to end up with an awkward librarian conversation the next time you visit.

No. 3 : Toast

– Toast is not a good idea. Weren’t you here earlier when somebody suggested biscuits? Only lunatics use toast as a bookmark. Crumbs everywhere… And then there’s the butter!

Jammy bagels: food for gardeners.
Jammy bagels: mmmm…. but not inside books.

Not to mention, the jam. Or treacle if you’re that way inclined. And I’m not even counting the people who put pâté on their toast. I can’t think of anything more awful than slimy jam and butter clinging to your favourite scene in your favourite book. You know the one I mean. (But you should comment and tell everyone else which one it is anyway!)

No. 2 : Mice

– I’m brought a lot of mice as presents from my cats. For obvious reasons, I’d rather have a proper bookmark, but Barley, Salem, and Jasper seem to think a mouse is just as good. I disagree, hence its presence on my Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Use As A Bookmark.

For dead mice you should refer back to number five on this list. I think I made myself clear there about exactly why a dead creature/thing is not worthy of bookmark status. As for a live mouse, well…

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As you can imagine, a live mouse won’t stay still, so the likelihood is that you won’t have your page marked accurately anyway. They also like to nibble through paper, so even if they do manage to leave you a clue as to where you were in your book, it will probably only be the fact that they’ve eaten through the next few scenes so you have no idea what’s going on.

In short? Don’t use a mouse as a bookmark. Don’t even consider it.

No. 1 : Pizza

– Pizza is good on so many levels… just not this one. Like many of the other food substances on this list, you’ll end up with grease marking the pages. And crumbs. And tomato sauce. And cheese. And whatever toppings you picked.

It’s just not a good look for the inside of a book.

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And then there’s the fact that, if you do leave some pizza inside, that cheese is going to cool. When it cools, you’ll end up with a gelatinous mass that will be exceedingly hard to peel apart. Then what are you going to do? Microwave your book?

Yeuch. Do not recommend.

In Conclusion…

The items on this list are just not worthy of being bookmarks. So, when you decide to snag yourself a copy of Preying On Time or Breaking Cadence, why not try my Top Ten Things To Use As A Bookmark instead? I guarantee that they’ll be a better bet than the above items.

Top 10 Things To Use As A Bookmark

Have you used any of the things on this list as a bookmark? How did that work out for you? Let me know in the comments below!

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