Hi guys. I’m not going to be very buzzy in this post, I’m afraid. I seem to be in a bit of a slump and currently there’s no way out and the more people ask me if I’m alright the more, inevitably, I feel like I must be pretty awful.
I know I’m not, though. I know I’m functioning pretty normally for the most part. I just feel a bit… not me, inside. And that’s nothing I can really help at the minute.
There’s no real reason for it as far as I can tell. It could be a combination of things or just nothing at all, as I suspect.
Mostly, I’m just a bit down. It’s not even really a feeling of being down. Just a feeling of nothingness, which is quite often a hard feeling to deal with. And the nothingness can be quite upsetting, especially when it’s pointed out over and over again.
So if anyone is asking: Yes. I am fine. Please do not ask any more.
A couple of people have already mentioned to me that they think I should go check up with the doctor. They think it’s that horrible dark monster of depression, which it very well probably is. But I’m not quite ready to go to the doctor yet. I’ve dealt with it before. That’s not my reason for not going to the doctor, though. I just don’t feel quite ready to do that.
I know that I’ll be okay. I get these dips often enough. This one has just been prolonged a little by long work hours, unfortunate hormone timings and dealing with particularly irritating people (and I’m not referring to customers at work, them I can deal with just fine). Oh and a touch of throat infection. Seems that one has crept in when I wasn’t looking so my throat is a bit swollen and swallowing things is not exactly easy. Which, in turn, has probably not been helped by long days and late nights where I haven’t been able to cook/get a proper meal and therefore proper nourishment due to being at work.
These aren’t reasons why I feel… empty. They are just factors that have enforced the feeling.
And then I got sent home early from work one night due to reasoning I’m still not entirely sure about, which made everything seem yet even worse. So now I’m being anxious about that.
I went to visit my parents yesterday. I nearly didn’t because the urge to either hide under the duvet or behind the curtains was pretty strong. It was nice, though. For a few hours they kept me occupied by thinking about things that didn’t include my anxiety over work or the strange hollowness that has taken up habitation just above my heart. My parents both hugged me to say goodbye. We’re not the kind of family that hugs a lot and, especially getting a hug from my dad, leads me to think they are perhaps more worried about my current emotional health than they let on.
There is a particular affinity on one side of my family for depression, so I’m not entirely surprised. My mother is prone to it and various other family members have dealt with periodic bouts of the terrible black cloud. The drive home was less distracting and contained more time to think on things I don’t want to think about.
When I arrived, however, my poor Bear, who is having to put up with me at the minute, gave me a lovely welcome and cuddled me. I love him very much and I am yet more glad that I have him right now.
I’m also grateful to the number of friends who have gone out of their way to let me know that if I want to talk to them then I can. They haven’t asked that awful question of how I am. They’ve just let me know that they’re there for me. And I am very much appreciative of that. Especially Andy P Wood, whom I know is going through a similar dip at this very minute too.
Anyway, I’ve managed to drag myself away from the underside of the duvet already today. Feeling this way is a hard thing to describe, though, but I think the awesome Allie Brosh has it down in her post here. Even amazing people like her have down days.
As for the title of this post? Yeah, stationary cheers me up. So I’ll be playing with my new pens and paper for a bit and hoping that sparks some kind of inner reaction.
If it doesn’t I may just sit here and stare into space until I force myself to write/continue with a resemblance of a normal day.
I’m sorry this post could not be more uplifting.
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