Upbeat Wings

Well this was going to be an upbeat post because when I got in this morning I was cheery and happy from spending a lovely night with great friends and having time with somebody I’m so very happy with. But now it’s going to be an out pouring of stress.

My older brother is online talking to my mum. He genuinely makes me want to punch him in the face because he doesn’t listen to a word anyone says.

Everyone is trying to make him see that he can’t earn ridiculous amounts of money with a steady job like he expects to in the way that he’s earned with these temp jobs he’s been doing. Of course, he won’t see this. He calls up in tears because he’s stressed out because he can’t get work and the work he does get is ridiculous hours, simply because he won’t lower his standards and get something steady that has lower pay.

Instead of sorting out his problems and looking at himself, though, he blames everyone else and just compares what he’s got to me and my other two brothers. Instead of realising that the shit he’s got himself in is his own fault, he says my mum’s the one to blame or that she doesn’t help him like she helps me and my other brothers.

The truth is that nobody can help him because he doesn’t want help.

He doesn’t listen to us when we raise our concerns about how he’s living and what he does to himself. He doesn’t take it on board and do anything about it.

He complains that my mum doesn’t help him. He seems to expect that she’ll buy him a car like she’s supposedly bought the rest of us cars.

That’s a load of bollocks. The only person she bought a car was me at a ridiculously cheap price from my other brother to help me get a better job because I couldn’t afford it on my own and to help my brother and his wife out as they were moving to New Zealand. Said car needed taxing and an MOT within the space of a month of buying it, which is why she helped with the agreement that I’d pay for the tax and the MOT, plus the fact that I had to pay a large up front fee for the insurance seeing as it was my first car and I have a very low wage.

And guess what? I’ve got a better job now. A second job. I’m learning more skills so I can get another job in the same area more full time as soon as I’m properly trained up – plus I get tips.

But no. Apparently this simply means I’m scrounging off my parents and that I ‘have the right idea’ staying at home where ‘everything is paid for’ for me. That’s not out of choice and it pisses me off everytime he mentions it.

According to him the only thing I have to be stressed about is my love life, which is a low blow considering I know he’s referring yet again to how desperately low I was last year. It’s just a cheap disgusting shot that I would expect of somebody callous and not at all from my own brother. He also made a reference to the fact that I disappear when somebody angers me and that I get migraines when I’m stressed – but of course I have nothing to be stressed about.

Really? Don’t I? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure I fucking do.

I get stressed because my mum gets ridiculous phone calls from her eldest son that make her cry with worry. Phone calls that make her want to start smoking again – which she had to stop so she can have an operation on her leg to stop her from losing the blood supply to it and possibly losing her leg. I get stressed when she spends money on extra fresh food expecting the prodigal bastard to turn up with his girlfriend in tow but then he changes his mind. I get stressed that he treats his girlfriend and everyone around him like shit, making nasty small minded comments that only serve to hurt simply because he’s stressed and because he won’t listen to any of the advice he’s been given to stop him from being stressed and to sort him out. I get stressed for the fact that I know he upsets his girlfriend when she is a lovely person and then he takes her off on these ridiculous risks where neither of them end up with proper work or a proper wage. I get stressed she has no security because of his ridiculous ideas. I get stressed because my dad is ill but refuses to go to the doctors to sort himself out properly. I get stressed because of my own finances and how I need to build up some more money. I get stressed thinking of the stuff I have to pay back to people like my mum (who I’m determined to give money to as soon as I’m in the clear and able to) or a friend I owe and have never forgotten about. I get stressed thinking of my friends and their troubles and wanting to help them out. I get stressed trying to find time to write and actually get done the things I need to get done. I get stressed thinking about the repairs I need for the car. I get stressed considering how long it will take me to move out and what I’ll need to buy/take with me when I do. I get stressed ensuring I have #SatSunTails sorted out for every weekend. I get stressed thinking about my lovely cousin and how I wish I could help her with her problems. I get stressed making sure my parents are happy when they get home from work. And I get stressed that my older brother is fucking up his life.

To be honest, the only thing I’m not stressed about is my love life.

But my brother wouldn’t know any of this because my brother only ever scrapes the surface. And my brother never listens. The last proper conversation I had with him he ignored half the things I said and repeatedly asked about them without taking in the answers and then jumped to an entirely different topic because he was distracted by something in a quiet room.

He needs to sort himself out. He really does. Because I genuinely worry that one day he will end up overdosing on narcotics alone in some shitty hotel room somewhere and we won’t know for weeks because no one will know how to contact us. And quite frankly, even if he’s hurtful with words, thoughtless, selfish and only seems to resent and reject anything any of us ever tries to do for him, I don’t want that for my brother.

Anyway, that’s the end of that rant.

It feels so much better to get it all off my chest than to block it all up and make myself ill. This was going to be such a happy post. I was going to tell you all about last night. I was going to say how I made a lovely new friend and how I’m hoping to bring her into our friend group as she doesn’t know many people in Driffield.

And that is a picture of me from last night. Classy, I know.

We had a good time. I had some shots. One of them was a mixture of baileys, butterscotch schnapps something else. I will say it was absolutely delicious, though. Joe behind the bar was trying to encourage us to have more shots but I’m glad we didn’t. It was a good enough night without being wasted.

Got some southern fried chicken and onion rings on my way back. Cheesy chips for my handsome boyfriend too; although he wasn’t happy with the onion ring addition. They were incredibly good, though. So worth it.

Mum is cooking stew for dinner. An extra big pot – she was under the impression my brother and his girlfriend were coming back here tonight so…

She also bought herself some roller skates. I’ve videoed her using them and plan to integrate it into one of my weird youtube videos soon. She won’t be pleased but I won’t tell her. It’s far too comical to keep to myself. It isn’t every day a woman over fifty tries to skate around your house with two Westies following at her heels.

Anyway, this has been an updating post. I hope you’re all well and enjoyed the mild catch up on my life.

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