Do You Remember The Way I Held Your Hand…

…under the lamppost?

Yeah, lyrics again.. I can’t help it. Sometimes this modern day poetry is all that makes sense. I’m feeling a little better this morning. A little more comfortably numb. I had a mini sort of breakdown in the corner of my mind and took myself off for a walk in the dark and the cold by the canal.

I’m so tired and so stressed out, but when I try to sleep thoughts just push on in and mess with my head. Lyrics and questions and problems and too many answers. I’m driving myself up the wall. And when I do that I post it all here or tumblr if it’s to specific people who I don’t reckon will read it.

This morning, the numbness is keeping me in a cocoon of lyrics and nothing much else, hence the Fall Out Boy trip at the top there. Currently I have Magnolia by The Hush Sound tickling my ear worm. I don’t know why because I hadn’t been listening to it, but these words just crept into my mind:

Your heartbeat is pulsing at night in your chest,

It’s cold and it’s glowing with all the life you have left.

I received your words from hospitals where you felt alone…

Your words like smoke, they made me sick, but they kept me warm…

Things are clouding around my head. I may or may not hear about that job I went for today. Hopefully, if I do, I’ll have got it. If not then, I don’t know…

Maybe I should take my great uncle up on his offer of being his carer and move to York. Get away from all of this mess. This horrible, horrible mess. Or I could ask my uncle’s son if he’ll put me up in Brayton and give me a job at his pub. I know he’s short staffed.

I don’t really want to leave my current job. I love it, but the pay isn’t good enough to let me move out… and I think I need to… I need to be alone. I always figured that if I moved out I’d get a place on my own. Just me. No noise. No people.

I’m always going to be alone in a sense. It doesn’t upset me. It doesn’t make me hanker for people. I’ve accepted that and I’m happy with it.

Sometimes it worries me that I feel so disconnected, but I figure we aren’t all connected. We don’t share a consciousness. Everyone is separate and so everyone is alone in that sense. Being alone doesn’t make us lonely, though. I guess that’s just when we’re not happy in ourselves because we haven’t accepted who we are so we feel as if there’s something missing.

I am who I am.

I accepted that the day I quit my university course, because I realised the truth of what I was doing was to keep everybody else happy while destroying myself and my own dreams. And I knew that if these people cared about me and loved me, they would come to accept my choice because it is who I am instead of moulding me into something I’m not. Instead of making me destroy myself from the inside out.

I wrote out a text message last night… Then my determination wavered, wobbled and fell. Part of me wishes I’d sent it. Put a stop to things. But apparently I’m incapable of doing that… Maybe I should have done it. And then deleted the number as I’d meant to.

But I couldn’t…

And it should be so easy to hate this person so much. But I know that I only hate them because I feel exactly the opposite. And that makes it pointless.

I want to go back to that point a few weeks ago where I was numb and had concluded he felt nothing any more and that I truly was an idiot. Where I thought my heart was just pointlessly waiting for someone that wouldn’t come so I would never have to listen to it again… That point was so much easier. I was just coasting by with no thoughts and no feelings and nothing had to make any sense because I couldn’t think too long on one subject.

Love is cruel.

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