Why Do I Do These Things I Do To Myself?

I went out again last night, mostly to forget and escape the thoughts in my own head.

Be still my beating heart…

Needless to say, it didn’t work. I left my friends and came home because the thoughts and hurts were too heavy on my mind and heart. It’s stupid when something so little as a text can do that to you.

And I know I should just ignore it and put it down to him feeling sorry for himself or some such. I know I should. But apparently I can’t.

And you know, I feel sorry for his girlfriend and her kid. And I really wish I could tell her that he’s text me such, but that would just muddy the waters. That would just make things so much worse.

And then if he ever tried to come back to me I would only assume it was because he couldn’t have her and not because he wanted me. And I am not being anybody’s consolation prize.

But he won’t do that anyway.

And I’m overthinking things. I’m always overthinking things. I really don’t mean to. I try to stop myself. And until that text, I’d managed it. I’d been able to ignore it. And now I can’t again.

It’s like I’m self-destructing from the inside. Stupid scenarios crop up in my brain, play out and then die when I try to tell myself that these will never ever happen. It’s like he wants me to do something because he’s text me, but what am I supposed to do?

He has to save himself.

All I want is for him to be happy… If he truly loves her then I’d have no qualms about that. As I’ve said before, I wouldn’t stand in the way of true love. And I care so much that I’d rather he was happy… even if it means without me.

I wouldn’t begrudge him that.

But texting me? It’s not fair. If he doesn’t feel the way I do, then it’s not fair in the slightest on me. And it’s not fair on his girlfriend or her child if he does.

I wish people would understand that doing things solely for other people, completely disregarding your own feelings just means that you’ll be hurting the people you mean to do the best for more than ever when it all comes crashing down.

Anyway… Enough rubbish thoughts for one day.

*Lyrics in the title are from Drunk Girl by Something Corporate – one of my favourite bands for music

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