Most Ardently

The thing that I was worrying about is all clear. Negative not positive. So that’s good, really, even though a small part of me is kind of disappointed. I suppose that’s to be expected.

The title of this post is taken from a scene in Pride & Prejudice. My favourite scene, in fact, which is probably because I can see myself in it doing exactly what Elizabeth does because she’s too proud and too hurt, despite the fact she obviously quite likes Mr Darcy. The moment when he says it and you can see his heart in his eyes is so beautiful.

It’s rare anyone truly looks at you like that.

It’s telling someone you love them without words, mixed messages and lies. You can tell straight away when somebody looks at you like that. It’s like a fairy tale spark of truth and love.

You don’t get many opportunities for that. In fact, usually there’s only one. I guess that’s why they call it true love and say that there is ‘the one’ for everyone. I know that sounds silly. I know it does. But I genuinely thought I’d found that.

The one.

I guess my heart must have been wrong.

And I know people will tell me to get back in the game etcetera etcetera and that I’ll find someone else, but I just don’t feel it. Weirdly, I don’t think I’m truly going to again, which sounds even more silly, I guess. I’m stupid, I know, but I don’t want anyone else. I’m not going to love them like that and if I can’t love someone wholly and truly, I’m not going to put them through the pain of only having a small part of me.

It’s not fair on the other person that they should only have a little part of me. No one should have to suffer that. It’s cruel and selfish, because even if it’s done for the right reasons – like not hurting them because they care about you – it’s stopping them from finding that person that will give them the whole of their heart and love them unconditionally.

And I think that’s possibly the cruellest part of all because it means you’re denying them the happiness you ultimately can’t give them. And who gives you the right to do that?

I don’t think anyone does.

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