Montauk

I’m not sure who reads this any more. These glib entries of real life I paste within these ebony pages.

I feel sick to my stomach, but barely eating means there’s nothing to come up. I haven’t got an eating disorder. Maybe that would be easier to deal with than this.

This one time when I truly do want to give up on everything.

I told my mum that. I don’t think she quite understood it in the way I meant. I’m sure you probably have by now, dear reader. I guess I’m just so so tired of it all. I don’t think I can do it.

I just want to give up.

It’s hurt so many times before. I’m not unused to it. I know the sensation and I know there’s always part of me that goes; Well, chuck, we’ll make it through this – we always do.

This time there isn’t. This time I don’t even have my pride.

I’ve relied on my pride for a lot over the years. I’ve felt it there getting me through bad times and leaving me with at least some scrap of dignity left. Now I don’t have that.

I let myself believe somebody, you see. I let myself whole-heartedly trust in someone else. Someone who was my best friend. Someone who I tried not to care about in this way, terrified that this would happen. I asked him countless times if he was sure, if this was what he wanted, if he wanted to go back to someone else.

Everytime he was sure. Everytime it was what he wanted. And everytime he didn’t.

So I let myself believe finally that last Saturday when we went to Whitby. I thought it was okay to trust so wholly. I thought that everything he said, promises of the future and of his feelings… I thought they would be held true.

As I’m writing this, you know they’re not. You know that I’m hurting more than I have ever hurt. That I’ve lost my best friend. That I’ve lost the person I tried so hard not to fall for because I was so afraid. That now you will all know how silly I’ve been to trust someone so stupidly and so much in such a short space of time because things felt ‘right’.

And three friends I’ve made and respect will probably not be able to speak to me again because of this mess that I didn’t even make.

I didn’t sleep well last night. When I woke I thought fleetingly that someone would be there to greet me, but they weren’t. And then I laid awake in the freezing cold, watching my breath expand in my icy room, and actually willed my whole body just to give up.

Thoughts like that haven’t crossed my mind in years, but now I find I would rather that than keep going.

I don’t want to guilt anyone. I just want to get this out before it eats me up. Because it’s hurting so and I don’t know what else to do. Crying doesn’t seem to be enough. I can’t cry my heart out of my chest. It just doesn’t seem as if it’s there any more.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel.

I thought I could trust him.

It’s not like he needed coercing. I wasn’t the one who started talking about moving in together before Christmas. I didn’t drop hints while we were friends. I didn’t tell my parents I wouldn’t have to change my surname if we were married. I didn’t make him look into my eyes and tell me what he saw there. And I wasn’t the one who started that first kiss.

I don’t know what you want to hear from me. I’m sure you’re wishing that there was some happy ending to this post. Or even an ending at all. There will be an ending, I’m just not sure it will be a happy one.

This is possibly the longest life post I’ve written in a while. What can I say? Misery makes me more talkative on here.

Maybe it’s the fact that I saw them all together that hurts most. Maybe that’s it.

I have nothing left to give. The future I’d seen has been wiped back out and rewritten as empty and all the rest is dust.

I’ll leave you be a while, readers. I have to go try to eat sandwiches my anxious mum has made. I know she loves me and that the things she says are to try to help, but all I can think is that I should have seen it coming and I shouldn’t have been so stupid to let someone make me believe they loved me.

It’s all a lie. Every last bit.

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12 thoughts on “Montauk”

  1. My darling, it hurts now, and your pride has taken a bruising. But I promise you that in time things will feel better. Don't give up, there are many on this miserable sphere who love you, and would be lost without you.

    A xxx

  2. All I can say is what Antimony above me said – there are so many people whose lives you've touched just by being you, and so many who love you. You'll pull through this Boo: you're one of the strongest, bravest, toughest people I have had the immense pleasure to know, and you'll come back out fighting. I love you xxxx

  3. Please, please don't give up – hang on in there. You've been hurt, badly hurt, but the pain will ease eventually and you'll come out of this a much stronger & wiser person. And as your pain eases, try not to be bitter – some people are not worth destroying yourself over. There is someone out there especially for you, with your name on their heart… it's just that you've not yet met 🙂

  4. I don't know you (just followed a link from Vicki), but wanted to send a bit of encouragement. Not that anything I say will change things, but I do know you are of worth. You deserve better. And that better is out there. Take what you can and move forward, but don't let one rotten apple make you afraid to love.

    Sending best wishes your way!

  5. There really are no 'good words' to say at something like this. Some hurts run too deep, especially ones that affect our emotions and our trust. I know it feels dark and hopeless now, but this will pass. You are a strong person, and you have deep emotions–this is clear! You will love and feel joy again, just as deeply as you feel betrayal now.

    Mourn as long as you need, and then let it go. It happened, and you can't go back. Take back your power and move forward. You are too good and too kind and giving to let another's actions take away your happiness.

    Huge hugs!

    Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

  6. I didn't know you before, but after reading this post, I think I might have an idea of who you are. I've done that stupid trust thing before, it hurts like hell.
    The embarrassment does go away. It goes away first, actually – your pride is the first thing you'll get back. And at that point, it'll be really easy to shut your heart off from the whole thing, but if you do that, it'll eat you inside. So while you have this 'I was so stupid' idea going around in your head, just let yourself hurt.

    There is nothing more foolish than living a life of distrust. The stupidest thing you can do is live alone. The worst decision you can make is to not love. I know it doesn't feel that way right now.

    I hate when people lie to me, so I'll be honest to you. If loving whole-heartedly is stupid, then it's better to be stupid. You will hurt less if you don't trust, that's absolutely true. You'll also lose every part of your soul.

    It takes courage. It's worth it.

    Also, at least with people I've met, if you talk to those three friends totally honestly and say, "I don't want this to jeopardize our friendship, I care about you," you can probably save your friendships. I don't know the details, I could be wrong, but it can't hurt to try.

    So this a spiel from a girl you've never met or talked to, who found your blog because of another blogger. But I'm also someone who has trusted stupidly, fallen absolutely head over heels, gotten crushed, and survived. You will too, you're stronger than this. And I can tell that even when I barely know you. 🙂

  7. I very nearly cried reading all of these messages. Thank you all so much. And thanks as well to Vicki for such a lovely gesture.

    It's been a really hard week, but there are some good friends doing their best to take care of me. It's so good to read all of your words, though, and I really, really appreciate you all taking the time to comment. I don't feel quite so alone any more so thank you so much. I can't begin to explain how I feel right now except that it seems to swing between hate and nothingness, which probably isn't healthy at all. As Rosanne and Susan said, I'm going to try to keep writing through it and hope that continues to help in a small way. Thank you to Angela for the hugs – please consider them returned whole-heartedly.

    Also, it's really lovely to meet new people. I only wish it could have been under better circumstances. So thank you all.

  8. this one completely inappropriate comment keeps running through my head…

    damn! that's great writing.

    if nothing else, you have this. a gift to capture the genuine anguish of a heart in little squiggles of ink.

    and that, girl, well that's something to grab onto.

    if you need an extra ear, my email's ca5well (at) aol (dot) com

    trust is hard.
    people are fallible.
    but it's our disformities that make us unique, ourselves, beautiful.

    looking forward to reading your future posts!

  9. There's nothing I could say that would ease the pain you're feeling right now, that's something that you'll have to fight through yourself. But just know that the light will once again pierce the darkness you find yourself in and things will get better! Much better!! 🙂

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