As the title suggests, my mind is a bit full right now. Unfortunately, unlike Dumbledore, I don’t have a penseive in which to syphon off my many thoughts. Most of my thoughts are either silly analytical waltzes like my post on the sun and the moon etc or they’re anxieties that I hold. Right now it’s these anxieties that I am going to have to write out of me.
This always happens just before I try to sleep. Thoughts collect and spin around and around in my head. Tonight this is exactly what they’re doing. Again.
Mostly, it’s about what somebody said to me once. It’s something I can’t really share on here no matter how dearly I would like to just because I’ve then gotten it off my chest. Sadly, it is slightly too personal for this blog. If it was an anonymous blog with me being anonymous then it wouldn’t matter but I am painfully aware that it is not and it would be silly to start an anonymous blog that I would only fill with pieces every now and again because I couldn’t splatter them across here.
Oh god I would love to splatter those words across here.
They are splattered across my brain and I don’t know how to wash them off. It was something that shouldn’t have been said to me. At least, I don’t feel it should have been said. I mean… I didn’t criticise the person who said them on their performance in that department (I think you can probably guess now and those wily few of you will even guess who said them… let’s face it; it’s not hard to work out. Still, if you can live in blissful ignorance then I’m not going to say who or what was said).
I shouldn’t be thinking of these words. The only reason I do was because they were used in one of the most hurtful situations I’ve been in and, whilst I’m over that, there is still a little part of my psyche holding onto this damning comment and ruining my self esteem in certain areas. Despite my faults, I still think that such a comment in such an area under such circumstances was just… not fair to say the least. I mean, did I deserve it?
Well, I probably deserved it marginally.
Which is the problem because in my head it translates to me being no good and useless and ughhhh! Which is code for stuff I just shouldn’t think. Self-deprecation is a ridiculous feature when it goes into overdrive as mine is wont to do.
I know I’m not exactly assertive… But, damn it, aren’t people allowed to be shy and nervous? I mean, for f-
But we won’t go down that path because I don’t really want to swear on here. I mean, I can, but I won’t. I don’t want to have this little rant here and let it get too explicit. I’ll get angry and then I’ll spill details to the worldwide web that I don’t want to spill. I just want to loosen the pressure in my head if that’s okay?
I’m so pathetic and simpering and sorry.
I’m always sorry for everything. I’m always apologising. Constantly. It’s like a knee jerk reaction. It’s like it has to be my fault and I’m programmed to assume it is. But why? Sometimes I even know it’s not my bloody fault and yet I’ve already said the stupid word and started to feel shamefaced!
I’m just trying to get this out of my head. There are too many thoughts in there. There are too many sorrys and too many things gnawing away at my brain.
I think that is maybe why I didn’t feel like seeing anybody today when I woke up. Normally I’ll hover around and see people, but today I stayed in my room. I think I just needed the space to let whatever was going on in my brain settle so I could figure out what it was running at the walls to be noticed. And now it’s hit me; these stupid worries are circling around my brain, low like vultures. They’re picking up on every scrap of every conversation and snapping at me.
To return to the original point, I shouldn’t be sorry for what I was accused of. It was perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. I just wish it wasn’t eating away at me because I think it’s affecting me in ways it shouldn’t be. I was fine before that comment and other like comments. It shouldn’t be pushing my buttons or not as the case may be. UGH!
Really, seriously, Rebecca, get a grip.
Don’t let this get to you. You shouldn’t let it get to you. It means nothing any more. Just put it down to bad experience. You’re not so nervous any more. In fact, you’re more relaxed than you have ever been with anyone ever. You’re just freaking out because of something stupid that means nothing. It was said purely to hurt you and you bloody well know that. So why are you so damned eager to believe you’re weak and meek and useless and simpering and pathetic?!
I know that sounds odd… Giving myself a little pep talk mid-blog… But I’ll probably re-read it later and try to convince myself that what I would say to anybody else with these thoughts is exactly right.
I think this is my longest non-fiction blog post in a while. I’m surprised I’ve ranted for so long. I feel mildly better for it, though. It will probably all start swimming in my head again, soon, but until I can sort it, this will have to do for relief. My head probably needs examining. I’ll bet that’s what everyone is thinking now they’ve read this.
I write so much rubbish.
Hah. I nearly apologised for stealing your time. Well, I’m sorry but I’m not sorry… which entirely defeated my point. Ugh…
Goodnight folks & sleep well before the next episode of looney toons.
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