Tonight, Could I Be Lost Forever?

I think it should be pretty obvious by now that I write stuff out when I have too much in my head. It’s like having a huge ball of tangled wool that keeps growing so, sometimes, I have to sift through it, find the tail end and start tugging some out to keep it elsewhere. I think that’s what these headaches are alluding to.

Some things that are going through my head might be pretty obvious if you follow me on twitter or you’re a friend on facebook. These things consist of my anxiety about my younger brother, Master Berserker, and the stupidity that he has brought down on himself as well as the fact that I recently had to block my eldest brother, Master Boy-Child, because he was being thoroughly ridiculous. Other than that, there was an exchange of emails with somebody who seemed to get pretty annoyed with me and my friends despite the fact that a) this was not our intention, and b) it was out of genuine courtesy.

I like to think that I’m a very courteous person. I may forget to be on the odd occasion, but I usually try to right that when I remember. To be fair, I tend to remember too much information, so I think it’s only right that I should be allowed to forget at least a couple of times.

There are some things going on in my head that are probably best not to write here as well. I shouldn’t have gone into such detail about the silly email thing except that it wasn’t supposed to go on so long. It was supposed to be a quick courtesy thing. Nobody expected the recipient to go off on one quite like they did. That’s dealt with easier than anything else, though, as I don’t intend to talk to this person ever again.

There are other things I can’t write on here, though. I figure that they aren’t things the general public would want to hear and I’m not quite as explicit about things as most people seem to expect I am. Okay. So I’m fairly open about things… but there are some things that I don’t want to discuss outright.

I have a feeling it’s something psychological, though. I have a feeling that I may even know exactly why and I shouldn’t worry about it. Anxiety just makes psychological things so much worse. And I really don’t want it to be worse. I shouldn’t dwell, though.

I appreciate that nobody but me is going to quite understand this little monologue. It’s the downside of having to play my cards close to my chest. If I could tell you all, I would. I don’t think that would make it any easier, though.

Why is it like this anyway?

My theory is the way that somebody was poisoning my mind with words. It shouldn’t have mattered, but I’m one of those pleasers. I try my best to please everybody. Most especially if I care about them. And then there’s when they blame you for stuff and use things that you never would have thought they’d use against you. And it hurts a lot for a time. Eventually, you get over the hurt… but there’s still that doubt in yourself. There’s still this thing remaining, telling you that you’re not quite good enough…

It’s the not quite being good enough bit that’s going on in my head right now…

It shouldn’t be.

It really shouldn’t be, but it is and I don’t know what to do about it… other than wait. Time heals most wounds, but I don’t think it’s time that will do it. I know what will fix it. And I have patience enough for that. I’m naturally quite impatient, but for this…

I can be patient.

And in other news, I mentioned somebody in a previous post. I won’t give his name. We’ll just call him R because it’s nice and mysterious… and I’m still not going to share too much. I’m sorry. But we’re a couple now. [insert quiet smile here]

It’s nice just listening to him talk and tell me about himself. I probably seem like I’m taking nothing in because I don’t tend to say much once he starts talking a lot. I hope he doesn’t think that. I’d just rather listen to what he has to say and sometimes I have nothing to add to what he’s said because he’s said it all or answered my questions already. I don’t even know why I’m blathering about this. It’s not terribly important to anyone reading this. It’s only important to me.

So yeah… R is nice.. more than nice.

And I will leave on these lyrics:

Hurricane – Natalie Imbruglia

“It came on like a hurricane & I don’t understand…
& it moved me like a slow dance…
Still I don’t understand…
It pushed me like a tailwind & I don’t understand…
& it came in through the back door…
& I don’t understand…”

 

(Lyrics in the title are from Beauty On The Fire by Natalie Imbruglia)

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